Welcome to Colorblind Cupid!

Hmmm…good question! I think it hasn’t scared me that much because so far my experience has been pretty different and largely positive. Maybe it’s because my boyfriend’s parents have been in the U.S. for more than 25 years now and though they love and embrace certain things associated with Indian culture, they don’t seem all that hardcore. They are a close family too, but they’ve already accepted a white “son” into the family and so they have no qualms about a white “daughter”, and it actually seems like they really do care what I think and how I feel.

Also, to be honest, I’ve dated many Indian men (and also several East Asian and Jewish men) over the years, so I’ve been spent some time thinking about how cultural differences will affect me – so I don’t feel like I’m falling into this completely ill-prepared. In fact, I would say that it is something I’ve chosen for myself (so I have only myself to blame if things go badly!) It’s not for everybody, but it does feel right for me.

Doesn’t mean I’m immune to worrying though. This week my boyfriend sprung on me the idea that his parents really, really, really want to buy me my engagement ring when they are in India next month. That was definitely something I never anticipated and really had to wrestle with!

I’m glad you are taking time to think about this, Inbetween! I think it’s totally fine to be freaked out or have doubts – it’s a good sign really – it means you’re putting some real thought into this.

And, thanks CaliforniaTransplant. You rock!

“I think he’s still shocked that I am perhaps the only person in his life who actually cares so much about his happiness…not what his duty or responsibility is to me, the community, etc. I just want him to do what makes him happiest. That’s all.”

Inbetween, that’s awesome! I can totally relate to that. I think I’m the only one that’s ever told my BF that I’m proud of him for what he has accomplished and given him encouragement to achieve his dreams and find happiness. He’s not used to hearing that at all. Instead, he’s used to getting grief about the fact that he’s not married and his choice of career (let’s just say he’s not a doc or engineer). He looks at me with incredible bewilderment followed by sincere gratitude whenever I tell him he’s done something great.

Well, the trend’s got to start somewhere, right?

My boyfriend’s sister married a white man and now almost all of his cousins are dating non-Indians. It’s like she and her husband opened the floodgates for them all!

Hi –

I just met my boyfriend’s parents about a month ago and it didn’t work out as planned. I’m hoping for some insight on my situation.

The background: My boyfriend is Indian and has been in the states for about 4 years. We have known eachother for 3 years and are in a serious relationship. I would like to marry him at some point.

His entire family still lives in south India, and his parents came over to visit him for two months. I only met them once because after a day of being cordial to me his mother freaked out and told me never to talk to him again, or she’ll take him back to India and marry him to a girl from his same caste.

Over the past month, she has constantly argued with my boyfriend; refusing to talk to him, not eating, and so forth. His father, while he disapproves, is more reasonable. I barely been able to speak to or see my boyfriend because his parents simply won’t allow it.

I guess my question is: Do you think there is anything I could do to make his parents give me a chance?

My biggest fear is that I will lose my boyfriend over this. His mother is so stubborn it’s almost hard to believe. She is making it a situation in which he will have to choose between his family or me. Even if my boyfriend can handle such pressure and go against his family for me, I would feel so guilty that they would never speak to him again. I don’t know if I could ever make up for that.

I’ve offered to do whatever else his mother wishes (even go to India) as long as she gives me a chance, but she simply won’t budge or see logic. From what I gather she has a huge fear of the shame she will encounter back in India, and she is pressuring my boyfriend so much by making him feel that he is not doing his duty as a son.

Do you think that if my boyfriend does go against his mother, his parents would follow through with their word and reject him as their son? I mean, in general, would you say such a thing might be expected from strict, traditional Indian families?

Any advice that you gave give will be greatly appreciated! I’m just trying to keep some hope here, but it is such a horrible situation.

Thanks so much!

ok… i didn’t know the forum to discuss this desi story in the news, but i find it fascinating… here’s my take on it:

in suburban chicago, supposedly a 1.5 abcd got an arranged marriage and after one year, wants to get out of the marriage (for one year, she has been talking to close male “friend” in CA (also desi) whom “she’s not romantically involved” who DROVE from LA to chicago to pick her up, a male nobody in her family knows about). she claims she didn’t purposely fake her disappearance, even though she told people that “4 men were following her” on the way after work to the des plaines river to place a broken ganesh in the river to get rid of bad luck. they found her HONDA CIVIC still running and she was gone. illinois state police spent >$250K searching for her. then using cell phone records, (DUH…) they find activity and discover she’s talking and traveling around. she claims she had no idea a big search effort was underway looking for her, so she briefly talks to police, and has now disappeared again with her “friend” in a rental car. but, this time she DEACTIVATED her cellphone. her whole family and husband claims they had a happy marriage, and she stated to police no abuse was involved. btw, she is currently staying a motel with the desi guy “friend”. police are currently searching again for her to press charges, good thing she deactivated the cell phone.

all in all, instead of just getting a divorce like normal people, she FAKES HER OWN DEATH and leaves her HONDA CIVIC running at a nature preserve (she’s patel and no patel in their right mind would leave the car running and waste gas/money… more proof that she was trying to fake her own kidnapping or death).

it’s some real DESI DRAMA… honda civics, cell phone manipulations, arranged marriage, patels freaking out, ganesh statues being placed in the river to ward off bad luck, desi chat forums claiming “if she was white… the police would be doing everything… yadda yadda yadda”, white neighbors stating they were a quiet couple but they refused invitations d/t them being vegetarian… almost comical in the amt of stereotypes in this bullshit.

Thanks CBC & chineseambassador for the input.

I’ll look for the post that deals with “do what i say or else issue.”

My bf’s parent’s haven’t let up at all; I’m guessing part of it is just personality. My bf is really afraid that his parents will reject him for the rest of his life… & that’s hard because I know that family is important to him. Also, he is sincerely worried that they will actually damage their health (even die from stress) over the matter. Already they have proven that they will fast from eating; purposely making themselves weak. My poor bf is a wreck from all of the stress, & i know he’s so confused about what to do as well.

I’m really feeling hopeless about it. I don’t think any kind of reasoning will get through to his parents…I almost feel like they are crazy…but I suppose they are just radically strict on following the customs. It’s just hard for me to understand how a mother could choose a culture over her own son… & not even be a little sympathetic.
If there was anything I could do to let them give me a chance, I’d do it…

Anyway, thanks so much for the reponses. Talking about it has helped me some.

Great blog – fun reading.

I am a South Indian woman who in about 3 months will be marrying a white Lutheran man. It’s been pretty easy breezy with my family, he’s from the midwest – so I know that alot of his family is going to have culture shock at the wedding – should be fun .

That being said, we are trying to integrate the ceremony as much as we can (although my parents gasped at the idea of truly integrating into one ceremony) via clothes, etc. But we are going to have a traditional 1 hour hindu ceremony followed immediately by a 15 minutes exchange of christian vows. I’d like to do a reading or something between the both to tie it all together. Anyone seen anything like that about fusion/integration of cultures/etc.

Any ideas are appreciated.

Good luck
KC

It is funny to see men on here because men and women are so different in some regards it is true but men will also say what a lot of women only think. Thanks Dale for speaking your mind lol!

KC – are you the same as “kc” on here? I swear there are two – the other is white and has her own family blog, and was just recently introduced to the boyfriend’s parents and they thought it went well, but then didn’t… Other kc – is this right?

Or am I just crazy? If I’m not crazy, one of you has to get a new screen name for me!

Maybe Dale could be like that show that was on for 2 seconds – Breaking Up With Shannen Doherty, where she broke up with people for their bf/gf. He could do all the breaking up for people on here. (Unless CA still wants to wear the manly pants around here – hee hee).

Ah, geez.

My guy is an alcoholic. He decided last night to do something about it.

When I offered support, when I was encouraging, he was silent. He, uh, really just doesn’t want to talk to me.

I can’t tell if it’s a Libra thing or a cultral thing. He was born and raised in San Jose, but his parents are straight from Punjabi.

Any insight, ANY, is welcomed.

**side note**
CBC, I love you. This site is fan-friggn-tastic!

Poor Ara – I’d do the job for you. I’m still irritated with him on your behalf.

Thanks, dorkieshe! I wish I had some insight for you – it seems to me things like alcoholism are kept kind of hush hush in the culture, so that’s probably playing into it. I don’t know how to help with that. He may be really embarrassed or feel very ashamed. Maybe someone else on here has dealt with that?

YAY! I’m not crazy! Okay – I can keep KC.galaxie straight (and thanks for changing!).

I think the other Indian KC e-mailed me for my wedding program (am I right?). Which, btw, I’ve been cleaning my office as promised – I haven’t come across it yet, but there’s hope! That should have the scriptures. It really bugs me that I lost that.

dorkieshe, The best thing you can do– for yourself and for him– is to get yourself into Al-Anon. As you likely know, it is “the” support program for loved ones of addicts. While you may be thinking that “he” has the problem and “he” needs to get help (and thank God he has decided to!), you may not know that there is likely a lot you can learn about yourself through a program like Al-Anon. Attending Al-Anon meetings will give you the strength and the insight you will need to get through your man’s recovery (or relapse, whatever the case may be) and come out a better person, ready to face whatever life throws at you.

You said you were looking for insight. The people you’ll meet at Al-Anon will have all the insight you can imagine– and more! They will have all of the compassion and wisdom you so desperately need too. Give it a try. To find a meeting, call 1-888-4AL-ANON.

Ara-we ALL have our baggage do not feel bad about it. My mom is on her 6th marriage.

Thanks, I honestly think I could have benefited from children of alcoholics as a child…but it’s been enough years, that I have dealt with it. At first, I was soo very embarassed and didn’t talk about it at all. I really clammed up a lot, and to this day, I have a lot of trouble trusting people..esp if I know they drink. It scares me when I see my little brother drink. Most of my dad’s siblings have had trouble with alcoholism at some point as well. I am esp. scared for my brother because he also gets very violent and explosive..even without the alcohol. I have warned him that our Native American genes makes up prone to it..but he won’t listen.

LG,

**blink**

Thank you.

At the risk of sounding crazy, I don’t remember alot of my childhood. It wasn’t good, I can tell you that much.
Auto-block?

Anyway, you are 100% right. And I have been so caught up in wanting to be there for him (Haven’t seen nor heard from him in three days. . ), I have been driving myself effing nuts.

Thank you for getting me refocused.

Anyother advice you have, I am all ears!

<3 ya’ll!

Since both dorkieshe and ara0062 said any advice was welcome (smile), I’d like to recommend to both of you and to anyone else who has been raised in an alcoholic or otherwise dysfunctional, addictive or abusive home that you do some reading on what is is to be “codependent.” Melody Beattie is the recognized expert on this topic and her book “Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself” is a great place to start.

You can so some research on the web starting tonight if you’re curious about the characteristics of codependent personalities. I found a list of characteristics at http://www.recovery-man.com/coda/symptoms.htm.
The list may sound a little clinical and/or overwhelming at first– and you certainly do not have to have every characteristic to be “codependent” or to benefit from freeing yourself from codependent/controlling behaviors– but I suspect you would find value in learning more about this topic.

ara0062, “Adult Children of Alcoholics” is for grown ups, not for kids. It’s for people whose lives have been impacted by the lives they lived as kids. You said that you have dealt with the things you suffered as a kid, but in the next breath you said, “to this day, I have a lot of trouble trusting people..esp if I know they drink. It scares me when I see my little brother drink….I have warned him that our Native American genes makes up prone to it..but he won’t listen.” You’ll see that two of the characteristics of codependent people are not trusting others and trying to control them (which you likely see as just trying to *help* them).

And, dorkieshe, you’re correct in guessing that your not being able to remember much of your childhood is not uncommon in people who have have traumatic childhoods. It sounds to me like you are starting to put some pieces of the puzzle together: linking your past to your present.

In terms of specifics regarding your dating situation, ara0062, I think some good comments have been offered already. I can’t add any specifics since I don’t know either of you, but I will underscore the importance of your working on yourself (gosh, we can ALL do this!). The Melody Beattie’s book I recommended may be a good starting place, while attending Adult Children on Alcoholics may be a great next step. A good general “dating” book is “Mars and Venus on a Date” by John Gray.

Hang in there, ladies! Know that we’re behind you!

Thank you CA…I have to agree with you. Getting a lot of ass doesn’t mean anything to be honest. It’s kinda like keeping a tally on how many flies you swatted..you got some, you missed some..but in the end, no one really cares about that. Yes, there are plenty of players out there, but I am past that point in my life, but you are keeping me laughing at this point LOL.

NK, CBC, and LG, thanks for all the advice. NK, was Raj born here or was he actually from India. CS has no family here. He came here in 2003, if I remember correctly, so I was trying to figure out if it is a cultural thing as well that I’m dealing with. I honestly would like to make things work with him, after much thinking. He makes me happy and feel better about myself than I already do. In a way, his personality is so refreshing and delightful, that I never seem to tire of it. I have never been in this serious of a relationship before, so it’s all new ground that I am covering..that is why I value all of your opinions so much. When I discouraged or encouraged, you guys help me to figure things out..even poor hilarious Dale.

I am writing a book on How to Get any woman in to bed.As a man its our job to get you laid, as a woman its your job to pursue us for a relationship.

I am also part author of a book called How to be a guy that every woman wanna be with.

Making a woman feel good about herself is definitely one of the points ive covered. I am right there with you..

Believe it or not woman are clueless. ChineseAmbassador. But problem is men these days are bought up by clueless woman, and they end up becoming clueless..

The men who i teach are successful.Engineers, accountants, scientists….but if those women werent banging the jerks while these guys wait for them in the rain with wilter flowers in their hands, I wouldnt have taken up this job,and no i dont tkae money for it..

Not to brag, iam not looking to brag here, but ive made some losers get a life, get a job, get passions, and finally teach them on how to get women in to bed

(As I type this I just remember having sex with a bride-t0-be at the bachelorettes party…yea right she loves him and makes him haaaaaapppppy just like someone said..i just make the girls happier)

Iam not validating this…as i said the guy deserves better than this period…

I figured it out! Maybe Dale is Ton-Loc come to play on our site!

He’s passin’ out the Funky Cold Medina as we speak…

Keep it up though, dude – seriously. You’re cracking me up, and I mean that in the best possible way.

I was thinking he’s more The Ladees Man from SNL (Tim Meadows)…. the SNL sketches are a lot raunchier (and more Dale-like) than this youtube:

http://youtube.com/watch?v=CqT6-ppb9dg&feature=related

Sorry D-Unit, you’re not getting laid by any of the ladees on this blog!!!!!!!

OMG, you are so hilarious. I am roflmao because of you Dale!

DDD’s yuckkkkkk.thats size 22….fit for an indian man….thanks for the luck

So Dale, why don’t you describe your perfect woman…

OMG I TOTALLY envisioned D Man as Tom Cruise from Magnolia!!!!!!!! That is one of my favorite movies EVER—I didn’t think anyone would know it. Impressive CA!!!!!

Actually Tom Cruise plays HIMSELF in that movie…scary…

No i wont say that….youre not from LA are you..
its LA you dont know whats real or whats not…they need to spend a day diagnosing…

I love that movie. though i like the character Beth, she is my type, though she has small girls. talkig of which i dont sleep with girls with big chests, i prefer utmost a D, anything more i just get turned off, dont ask me why

Actually I know that for a fact women do like older men…iam not getting old for that..i actually look way too young for my age…

but again attraction isnt a choice….certain steps do create attraction… period…. 21 or 61 doesnt matter……

i am more or less like hitch….except when i was super duper nice, a girl i know was beddin an indian guy…the next girl i was seeing was again doing a similar shit with another indian dude…since then i learnt hindi, and indian stuff, their cutlure and everything…

(And its a big contrast that indian culture practices no sex before marriage yet the first thing they do is that…and ive heard them say a million times that white women are easy lay.compared to indian women…)

similar stuff happend to a couple of my friends…too…

i studied human behaviour, evolutionary psychology, you name it…

i became like tucker maxx….the more jerk i was the more women i laid…not just any women….hot shit…i felt sorry for the guys that dint have a clue

poor them after all their mom thought if a girls mad go bring her flowers…but flowers never work, never have, never will…..

i taught them to go see the same girl with 2 girls on each arm…now suddenly the girl wants him more…i taught the guys to be a ***** man…be challenging, be creative, if women act bratty i ask them to act like an a$$hole, if they are nice, i ask them to act nice…if they play games, i asked them to play two…. if they are nice , then be nice too..

again. women are not logical…they are emotional…so lot of what i said will not make sense…

CA, girl, you are on a roll now LOL! Sorry, I only know English and some Spanish…and enough Vietnamese words to get me into serious trouble haha. CA, you’re not the only cold-hearted one LOL..at least I am not alone in the world hahaa. Are we sure that Dale isn’t someone we know just playing pranks?

Dale – The thing about the character Hitch is he is a nice guy trying to help other nice guys find good women to have meaningful relationships with not to just sleep with…I hardly think you are like that character. BTW why is a 27 yr old guy that gets so much ass and lives in an ass pirate pad. I am sorry correction a pirate pad because you get so much booty…right.. on here engaging us women who want nothing to do sexually with a guy like you? Oh and also you are co author of a book called “How to be a guy that every woman wanna be with” That sounds like an award winning title…Great grammar. What is with all of the abbreviations like HJNTIY and BBW (big breasted women?). Now I am thinking you are a Scientologist. OMG You ARE Tom Cruise! ROFL.

CA- I miss the days you and I sat around drinking wine! … Come on leave Tara Reid alone lol I am sure she is embarrassed enough with her lopsided nipples LOL

NK- Parris Hilton, classy? Was that a joke cause you sure made me laugh!

Done and Done.

WAIT… I forgot my disclaimer… None of the statements in this comment are the thoughts or views of anyone else on this site and are subject to copyright infringement!

You girls serioulsy have to read this… it’s our new friend!!!

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/25754

OMG that is freakin’ hilarious! He is much cuter than I imagine our new “friend” to be though…Smoove yea great play on the word he is so very original lol.

NK: dont hate just because i can get more women than you can with men even if u walk naked down the streets. But again ill be grossed out looking at your fat ass naked that i may throw up on your face

Hey, Dale!
Wow. You are FULL of insight, aren’t you? Here are a couple of insights I gained from reading your posts:

1) There is no way in Hell you could write a book. I have serious doubts that English is even your first language. If it is, I worry about our educational system…it seems Bush has left at least one child behind…
2) You are a pretty lonely guy. Your protests to the contrary, if you are getting even a tenth of the ass you claim, I sort of doubt you’d be here writing barely coherent clichés to a bunch of “white man cast-offs” and “fat asses”
3) There is a lot of delusion out there about how to get girls. I suppose the “player” mentality can get you laid. So can being a man. I’ve dated strippers, cheerleaders, and hot girls of every race. I’ve also dated lawyers, teachers, and engineers. And through it all, I’ve never played bullshit games. Have fun being a jackass, though! It really seems to be working out for you!! I guess losers have to find SOME way to feel good about themselves…
4) You make me realize how much I hate some guys…I mean, I’m usually a pretty easygoing, live-and-let-live person, but your kind of ignorance is special. It makes me want to go back in time and convince your daddy he should have pulled out. But since I can’t do that, I’ll just ask you to stop insulting the women on this board, stop insulting Indian people, and shut the hell up. If you feel the need to attack someone, attack me. As you can see, I am fully capable of defending myself. Bring it on! =)

Dale,
You continue to confirm my opinion of you. What I can’t seem to figure out is why you feel this blog is an appropriate forum for your vitriol. (Go ahead, look the word up. I’ll wait.) There are no converts for your “cause” here. Search the “Why am I Secretly Attracted to my Frat Buddies?” websites, you may find more like-minded individuals. Get gone.

Oh, and thanks for the encouragement, CBC! I’ll start ignoring Dale now. If we all do, perhaps he’ll leave =)

OL–bravo! You said everything I would have liked to have said, but I was over here seething and trying not to vomit.
Ara–I agree totally about wanting something “outside the box”. I think I’d like dating American men more if I found more like OL and less like Dale–I’m sure Dale’s lurking now and I’ll just spare him the comments of I’m not his type–I know it and he knows it, but what he doesn’t seem to know is that none of the regulars on here are his type either–I guess misery really does like company. ;D

Me too.

LG,

Thanks for the links. I will start clicking here in just a bit.

I honestly don’t want to link past to present. I want to know that some where I was messed up and that now I have to fix it, that’s peachy, that’s life. I am afraid of the details.

ara,
looks like we both may be drifting in the same sea. Wanna share a boat? ;o)

Thanks ladies and gents, you all are awesome!

On a different issue, I just put up a post reguarding whether or not one should reproduce. I would love to have your opinions. I will warn you though, and this is for everyone, my blog is R rated.

**huggles**
D*S

Hehe, dorkieshe, you crack me up. I left you a comment on your blog. I got LG’s codependency link to work once I took the period off the htm at the end of the link. On the Codependency factor. I looked it up..I fit some of the categories and some of them I don’t. I did honestly used to fit all of them. I have noticed that I tend to be a bit on the know-it-all or bossy side at work, but I think it has to do with, that I actually know what I am doing vs some of my co-workers who don’t. I used to be a perfectionist..but I am not anymore, I accepted it a few years back after I had a near nervous breakdown. It is a bit hard to talk about it, but I did become a bit suicidal at that time in my life. I was very ill, over-stressed with school, work, and a roommate that kept self-medicating her bi-polar disorder with alcohol, and having a severe allergic reaction to a medication myself. It was back then that I would warn my brother about alcoholism in my family..but I really don’t say much about it now. He’s an adult, and he has to make choices for himself..I can worry as a sister, but I can’t live his life for him. I am also past the point of harmful relationships because I did go through a few of those, but as I forgave myself and others for problems in my childhood, I learned to watch for the warning signs..not to say I haven’t been duped by a few pretend to be nice guys that turned out to be players..I ditched them and didn’t look back. I still am a little unsure of myself in the dating scene a bit, but I figure so is everyone else to be honest. I am in no way saying I don’t still have some issues to work out..but I think based off of the website and links, that I may be recovering from it. I just thought I’d give y’all an update on that conversation..and yes, I did say y’all because it’s a great contraction )

I loved that movie Singles! It was hiliarous. Thanks NK. I am actually 28, but am mistakened for 21 all the time LOL. I DID thank goodness get mom’s good genes on that. She herself, along with her cousins seem not to show their age, and all I can say is “Thank you mom!”

Thanks CBC, you are Awesomesauce.

I never saw the movie because my husband and I usually have the same taste and he said it was not that good that it was really weird but now that you all have been talking about it I think I will rent it.

Ara- I would try it again. I just re-clicked on it to see if it would mess up and it came up just fine. I have found when a lot of us are on here at one time sometimes it does crazy stuff and I have to refresh the page.

<3 ya’ll!

I hope you come back to life soon. I’m kind of upsetting myself these days.

I’m gonna tell you today, because it’s still bothering me kind of a lot. Basically…. I want to get married. Before I met my guy, I wouldn’t have called myself the marrying kind. But now I really want to!

Except that I also see it as the thing that will solve the problems with his family – or at least give me a right to him in their eyes, so I want to do it Right Now. Now is the wrong time to get married (for school & social reasons), but I can’t help but think I would be relieved if we just up and did it. And we can’t. So I need to go back to my old, not-caring-so-much-about-getting-married self.

i stumbled upon this site looking for ideas for a combined indian/american ceremony. on one one hand, i am so relieved and happy to have found it and on the other deflated that i didn’t sooner. i have been in a relationship with my bf for nearly 7 years (he is indian, i am white). three years ago, he told his parents about us and they refused to meet me, acknowledge me, accept us. they told him that i was a “phase” and constantly pressured him about getting married to a nice indian girl. it didn’t matter if she were gujurati or not (that would, of course be their preference), just as long as she wasn’t white. i took that to mean, as long as it wasn’t me. it was (and still is) difficult not to take the whole situation personally. i can’t say how many times i have wondered what was wrong with me. what was wrong with the world that people can be so closed-minded. a year ago, my bf’s parents decided to meet me. since, they have “accepted” me, expect for me to call twice a week, want us to visit every month and call me their dil. to be frank, it is all so overwhelming and i am having a difficult time not being resentful. i like them. i care about them. i am trying the best i can. but i am hurt. i am angry for the years that have passed and resentful for the lack of acknowledgment. i am upset that no one other than me and my bf accept responsiblity for the entire situation. they have never once said to me, “we are sorry. we know we haven’t been open to you and that must not have been easy for you.” i’m not looking for those words exactly or even anything close. i just want some sort of acknowledgement. my bf and i are getting married the summer of 2009. he stands up for me when i really need him to and tries to understand how i feel about his family but still tends to chalk their behavior up to “they don’t know any better”. this is getting longer than i expected. my main point is that i am so glad that i have finally found a forum where people understand. where others experience similar things. i suddenly don’t feel so crazy or alone. so thanks for the site. i can’t tell you how nice it has been to read the blogs and be able to relate. thanks!

thanks for the welcome! the 8 years before getting married is partially because my bf moves at a snail’s pace with everything, but primarily because of the parent’s resistance. either way, we are moving in the right direction and i can’t imagine my life without him, so it is what it is. i have been reading blogs on here all day (i should really get to work) and i honestly feel like i am living CBC’s life. her blogs describe EXACTLY how i have felt in various stages and it is honestly throwing me for a loop! i never feel like people really “get” what i have gone through or how it makes me feel. this site is amazing!

Poor Megs! I know most of you don’t want the situation I have, but in case vengeance is as sweet to hear as it was to experience, I have to tell you that I shared a similar experience (although over a shorter time period and a little less extreme), and I eventually got p*ssed and told his family off, both for what they did and also because I thought they should know what I thought of their culture (in a very logical, “there are my objections; we live a white, American life because we disagree with these things, and this type of life we live will continue so you need to know that” type of way).

My fiance was obviously upset that we couldn’t have a relationship with them, but realized they were at fault, and no longer talks to his parents. He sees them for an hour or so at a restaurant when I get my hair done in their city every few months, won’t go to their house, I refuse to speak to them, and they are completely excluded from holidays and the planning of the wedding and engagement party. Sometimes he even throws in their face how great my family has been and all they do to bring joy into our lives, and they know that he spends every holiday with my family. Moreover, we made a deal that if we have kids (I’m not sure I want them yet) then they will never know his parents.

In a way, I hate to share the ugliness but I also think the victory was sweet given they brought the war on themselves. I would have left him if he brought people into my life that treated me that way and thought it was ok, but he did not tolerate it, and neither did I. So some of these deplorable, racist losers are getting exactly what they deserve, just fyi!

I have to say we are pretty happy with our future and life together now that no one is attempting to interfere with it. We are both with “Bad Indian Girl” – if you can’t assimilate and respect self-determination and individual rights, stop taking advantage of those rights and move back to your third world country where the traditional, conformist b.s. is more indoctrinated.

My man thinks I should keep a journal of all the things his mom teaches me, and then make it into a book for other unsuspecting white girls who get with Indian guys. I could call it “Bahu Boot Camp.”

…watch for the upcoming blog, sometime in the next year, of Bahu Boot Camp under construction!

CA, I agree with you about the churches. Speaking as one who … associates myself more with Methodist, you’re absolutely correct on the way we believe, and pretty much correct on the Baptists too..my parents are Baptists.

Personally, although being religious to an extent, I always just want a beach wedding..you know, no shoes, feet in the sand, just a simple, yet kind of dress that would blow in the wind

Hi CBC,

I tried to post before but I’m not sure it worked. I read your blog somewhat regularly, but I just read the old one about you reading a newsweek article about an Iraqi-American marriage.

It was interesting for me to read, because my fiance is Muslim and I converted to Islam. There was NO chance of it being the other way around (him changing his relgion- that rarely happens I think). Before converting, I never really had a religion (my family celebrates christmas & easter but I’ve never been to church or baptized), so I was ok with it, but we have definitely had issues when it comes to Christmas time (I’m a HUGE fan-he wishes to have no part).

We are getting married in August and have had similar in-law encounters, and fights, heated debates, etc. I enjoy your blog and I’m glad you decided to continue to post.

I just wanted to let you know how much I enjoy reading the posts here.

My situation is similar, but also so very different. I’m white, divorced mother of 3. I have dated an Indian man for 8 years and now we’re moving and getting married. My children adore him and he adores them…truly.

Of course, when his parents first heard about me, his mother was horrified and the fight lasted 3 days. Fortunately, they’ve grown to accept and love me. They’re great people, but I don’t doubt there will be misunderstandings. I just hope we can all work together. They’re really great people.

Hi everyone!

I’m having a bit of an opposite problem than you would think. I am currently in college and have been dating my Indian boyfriend for about 7 months. He asked me to go to his cousin’s wedding when we had only been dating for 3 months. The wedding was last month, and it was beautiful. His cousin actually married a white girl, which was comforting. I met his mother, his dad (who hugged me), and most all of his extended family, every one of which were so nice to me. My problem is my own family. I live in the south. Of course, down here there are certain other races which are, unfortunately, “worse” for me to be dating (according to my family. I will let you guess which race that is….) But Indian is still different from white. I have not told any of my family about this. We are currently going through issues about finances and school for next year, so I do not want to bring it up now. However, my boyfriend has been the single reason I feel comfort in this hard time, and I cannot imagine just giving him up. It’s not even the situation where my family would be disgraced….my extended family is not even close. I just don’t know how to bring this up. Please help!

Thanks for your response! We actually have talked about it. He understands more than anyone about my family because his family’s perception of me is hard to find, you know? He said the only thing that matters is what’s going on right now, but he does talk about the future a lot, too. He’s very much a go-getter and a positive person as far as getting difficult tasks done. I guess my last question is how to express to my family that he is legitimately different from the other guys I have dated…more mature, cares for me more, makes me feel better than I’ve ever felt etc. I feel like trying to explain these things is like trying to run through a pool.

No advice, besides to echo CBC that you need to have a plan in place now, before this gets out of hand.

Reading this, I thank friggin’ goodness that my in-laws live nearby and they’re staying put. No extended stays for us! Also, in my experience so far, the people in my husband’s family who visit from India usually do a fair bit of travelling while they’re here, so they aren’t imposing for months at a time. They might stay for a week and then go to a couple of different areas of the country to visit other relatives for a couple of weeks, then stay for another week or so before they go home.

Cheers all!! This is “Wondering”’s fiance! She told me about the blog a couple of months ago and I’ve been an avid reader ever since. I can’t say that I identify with a lot of problems that other people have but its always an insightful experience because you never know what might spring up in an multi-cultural relationship. What’s a very normal situation for other couples usually ranks a 9 or 10 on the richter scale when there is an amalgamation of cultures.

My parents came for a visit and I think the problem was that we didnt plan it out too well. I think just having a car would’ve made all the difference. My parents are the adventurous kind, so I think given a car, they would’ve stayed out of our hair and everyone would’ve been happier in the long run. This problem of people coming for long visits is a very new one so we’re still trying to see how to work our way through this one and all you suggestions are much appreciated.

The way I look at is that it could’ve been a lot worse–my parents might not have approved of my fiance (and after reading the blog–that seems to be avery common problem) and just refused to make her a part of their lives. In which case, the problem of long visits doesn’t arise in the first place. So its kinda bittersweet, in the sense that, my parents, and my extended family, love her and wanna get to know her better. And since, they live in India and we live here, the only way they can get to know her is if we visit them or they visit us. And I know they want to visit because they want to meet me fiance because I’d been in the United States for 5 years before I proposed and NOONE ever came to visit ME–so that takes care of the stereotypical, tight knit, Indian family. just kiddin–they love me(fingers crossed!).

I really like the idea of buying a condo or something similar with my parents so that they can come and stay for extended periods of time and be independent. i know that’s very important to my dad. And had we planned their first trip a little better, I would’ve bought them a car this time around as well. Ah well, its been a learning experience. Again, thanks a lot for all your help mates.

I played rugby ever since I was a young lad and have had men (big men) running at me full tilt, intent on taking my head off my shoulders, but nothing has ever caused my heart to flutter like the thought of my parents living with me for 6 months!! I love them and all but them are some fighting words.
I’ve lived away from home ever since I was 16 years old so I think my parents to a certain extent understand that its really hard for me to live with them for extended periods of time. We were having a discussion one day about where they would live if they ever ended up moving here and I told them that living together would just not work out (like a loving Indian joint family). Not because of my fiance (my wife by then) but simply because I’m not used to living with them. They could stay till they get a house of their own but anything over a month and half just leads to problems. Everyone needs personal space and I hate to admit it but I think thats a very foreign concept to most Indians.
Ever since I was a kid, I wanted to be on me own and thats what I told them. I want to take care of them but I think its good for every one’s sanity if such things are discussed in the open and a frank exchange of ideas and opinions takes place. In my case, it’s either live with me and everyone be miserable or stay close by where I would be happy and proud to take care of my parents.

We met at a restaurant…one of his friends knew one of mine, and that was it. He called me and asked me out.

He’s from Gurgaon, right outside of New Delhi.

I just found this site – so No, I haven’t been on here before.
About the sister marrying a white guy – he is a doctor. He wasn’t totally accepted either. But the fact that he is a doctor and makes exceptional money has helped. I have a great job, but don’t make what the father thinks is good enough money. After meeting the family the first time the father’s first question to my bf was “how much money does she make”? My bf and his father have never had a great relationship. The father once stopped talking to him for over a year because my bf wouldn’t marry a girl in India for money. I think my bf longs for his father approval – but in all honesty, his father will never be happy for him.
Anytime we’ve ever talked about this issue, its been when I’ve brought it up. My bf never brings it up or says much about it. I guess that we haven’t sat down to discuss what we are and are not willing to compromise. That is what we are doing tonight. (did I mention that we live together and have an app to look at five houses tonight because we were suppose to be buying a house).
His Mom likes me and has wanted us to get married for some time now (at least that is what he’s told me).
About the dating other people, he said he isn’t going too. He wanted me to test the waters. Again, I think its a cop-out. So I can find someone and move on. That way, he doesn’t have to make the decision either way – it’ll have already been made for him.
This really sucks, and I wish that he would have been man enough to break this off with me a year ago, instead of dragging me along because he’s to big of a pussy to stand up to his family!

Hi Jeanie313, I know we’ve only heard one side of the issue but, from what I do hear, it seems to me the warning bells are ringing big time. I’m not sure what this gentleman’s exact issues are (whether he’s just unable to make a decision that’s different from what his father wants or whether it’s some other reason) but, like the others have pointed out: if he’s telling you to date other people there’s a clear sign in that and I suspect, if you stick it out, you’re likely setting yourself up for heartbreak (and if, as chineseambassador warns, you get yourself embroiled financially with him at this point by investing any of your financial resources, setting yourself up for a likely messy separation). I’m sorry if this might sound a little harsh but, honestly, this doesn’t seem like a healthy situation (admittedly, from what you’ve posted from your side alone but there’s a lot of objective data in there, nonetheless). No matter what, it seems like he has some issues he needs to work out for himself. It’s not an easy situation at all but I do wish you the best of luck!

Hi All,
Well he said that he is willing to tell the Family (mostly the Dad) to back off. I asked him about the whole dating other people thing – he said that my happiness means a lot to him, and he justs wants to find the optimal solution for everyone. He’s 37 and has been single for most of his adult life. I think more than anything he is scared of marriage, however when asked he says that he wants to get married and have a family. We talked and got a lot of things out in the open. We are going camping/hiking all next week, just the two of us . So I’m really hoping that we can come to a conclusion by the end of our trip. If not, I might have to make his decision for him.
Thanks for all your advise…I’ll keep you posted.

I’m really happy that I found this site! I have been with my girlfriend now for 3 years and I’m absolutely in love with her. She’s Hindu and I’m white. I’ve known her for 5 years now and we were best friends ever before we dated. From day 1 she had concerns about her family’s reaction and it was just as bad as she thought it would be. For 2 years they would not communicate with me at all. To this day, they still don’t accept me. They also use the “it’s not personal, it’s just against our culture” crap. I think it is complete 100% bigotry. Even when asked if I would be accepted if I shared their religious beliefs (I don’t, I’m pretty much agnostic, but let’s say I did), they still would not accept me because I’m “white and it would not be pure.”

I told my girlfriend from day 1 that I don’t want our family to be the typical in-law relationship and that I really hoped to be closer to her mom, dad and sisters. I have tried numerous times to reach out, offer to get together, go away for a weekend, etc, only to be completely ignored. They at least talk to my girlfriend again now but they still disapprove of us. I treat her like gold and she has really supportive mentors including Sri Sri Ravi Shankar who are supportive of our relationship, which is why we are able to carry on and not let this affect us.

I sometimes cannot help but feel like I am responsible for her strained relationship with her family and it makes me feel very guilty and weighs very heavily on my mind. I love her and I don’t want to see her hurt because of this. I think we would be thinking about marriage a little more seriously if the situation could get better. All of you on this site are amazing with all you’re gone through! I’ll continue to use all of your stories as inspiration!

Hi CBC! I’ve been reading your blog all summer are inspiration, and I wanted to share that yesterday I told my mother about my Indian bf (of almost a year now!) and she was SO HAPPY that I was so happy, and can’t wait to meet him. Totally not the reaction I expected, and I am pleasantly surprised to say the very least.

On another note, Garba is coming up and me and my lovely boy are planning on going garba-raas in october. The only problem is, I don’t know where to find clothes! He’s not very familiar with shopping in our area (Atlanta) for women, so I was wondering if there are any good online sites? And what the cost would be? I need to get a chaniya/mirrored skirt (but you probably know what that is, haha), a blouse, and a dupatta. Anyone who knows a good site (or a good store in Atlanta) please let me know!

Thank you!

Hi! I came across your site while I was googling intercultural marriage and have been lurking for a few weeks. It’s so great to be able to relate to those having similar experiences!

Some background on me and BF–I’m from a small town in the country that is about as white as it can get with a very small family (about 10 total, incl. extended family). BF is from India and his family are Muslim (my family is Christian but doesn’t practice). BF & I have similar beliefs and neither of us are particularly religious. We’ve been dating for a couple of years and will be getting engaged within the next few months.

I know that intercultural marriages need a bit more work, but can be so much more rewarding. I’m concerned about a couple of issues, and am wondering how some of you here have dealt with them?

1) How to introduce families that are so completely different? How did you do it? Any suggestions? We’ve met and spent time with each others families, but the two famlies haven’t met yet.

2) How do you compromise/negotiate with the inlaws? Do you let your spouse do it or do you get involved? We have hit our first major issue to work out and that is regarding the wedding. I’m very shy and would prefer something small and intimate. BF understands but says that if we don’t have the huge Indian wedding with about 500 of his closest relatives then we would have to deal with family conflict for years (i.e. he would be the guy that is too good for everyone else and I would be the evil white girl leading him down the wrong path.) Not to mention that there are several of his extended family that will not approve of the marriage but will be sitting there during the wedding projecting their negative energy at us. I feel the wedding should be about the two of us and our love for one another. I know compromising is key, and I really need to brush up on those skills. How do you ‘choose your battles’? I know that we’ll have a gazillion family events to go to with a minimum of 50 people involved each time. It’s just the thought of walking down the aisle with 500 people I don’t know looking at me, sends me into a panic. :-/

Thanks so much!!

How refreshing to finally find a site, where the participants seem to have some real insight into the hindu-christian marriage issues.

Some background: I’m a divorced, single mother of 2, white, christian, South African. I met SN (South-Indian Hindu) 18 months ago, whilst on a business trip to Botswana.

SN lives & works in Botswana on a yearly contract, but his parents & brother still live in India.

We formed a solid friendship…never before had I been exposed to such a genuine, caring spirit. Our friendship turned into a relationship (despite the fact that I knew it was not something either of our families would accept).

A few months back SN’s mother decided that an arranged marriage was in order for him. Despite the heartbreak, I encouraged him to go ahead; knowing that I could not offer him the marriage & children he so dearly longed for.

Now, as he sits in India, on the doorstep of taking the plunge of marriage to someone he bearly knows… I contacted him to say that I couldn’t handle losing my best friend! He has postponed his marriage & is heading back to SA in a few weeks to discuss our situation with me.

My question is simple… despite the imminent resistance from both our families… do you think that my children (both white christians from my previous marriage) will cope with the social stigma of this marriage?

Hi CA,

SA culture to similar to that of the UK these days… although the mixed-culture is accepted to a degree, there are many christians who would frown on the mixed-religion.

Unhappy family members is our first barrier to break (major scary begining)- but they wouldn’t hold it against my children… it’s the rest of their society, such as their school peers that I fear may become vocal about their opinions on the matter.

As far as christianity goes…I was raised by a strict Catholic family, but although I respect some of the beliefs, I am not boxed in on my spiritual views… Hinduism has much to offer, as food for thought. I never baptised my children Catholic, but we do attend church (irregularly), & they do have faith in Jesus.

My children love SN, who treats them like his own. They certainly wouldn’t resist personally; & I have no doubt that their lives would be enriched by having SN as a father-figure.

My 2 major considerations at this stage are
1) Our families distancing themselves to show disapproval
2) My children enduring being teased

Thanks CA,

Guess I just needed some reassurance that I’m not being totally selfish by pursuing this relationaship & disregarding the impact on my kids.

Yeah, I’m reffering to their classmates teasing them…kids can be unkind.

I actually had that exact chat with my kids (aged 10 & last night… I was bowled over by their positive response! My son was, in fact, VERY supportive, as he feels it is a good decision.

Next step is to work up the nerve to address the issue with our parents… Wish me luck

Hi–glad I found this blog. My handle and email addy are to keep me anonymous on purpose so no family members of mine can google their way to this and link it to me.

I’m white American female, been married to a VERY American-born Indian guy–he is seriously a white dude with Indian features–and have a 1-year-old son. We’re in our late 20’s. The IL’s immigrated here in the late 1960’s and until recently, were fairly American and the only time they’d go crazy-desi on us was when we went to India and they had to please their families. From the day we met, MIL thought I was wonderful and constantly praised me for being “more Indian than her son”–I love going to the Gujarati dances (raas garbas and such), dressing in sari’s and jewelry, and I even proudly wore my mangalsutra before my son started to eat it. All seemed to be well.

Then after our son was born, we moved closer by them. Apparently I’m not the bed of roses they thought. Just recently I’ve started hearing about what a questionable host I am to my guests. I offer my guests snacks and drinks and all the commonsense, stuff, but apparently am not doing enough. One night the IL’s came to visit and hubby was sitting at the computer doing his work (they showed up spur of the moment) and I was changing our son for bed. We got yelled at for “ignoring them” and being bad hosts.

To top things off, MIL had the nerve to vent to my MOTHER about me when she came to visit. “Can you believe what your daughter did? I came over and she didn’t EVEN offer me ANYTHING! And can you believe what came out of her mouth this one time back in 2006 [an incident that again, wasn't a problem until now]? And when her friends came over, she didn’t EVEN offer them ANY snacks (pretzels, chips, Indian sweets, and coffee don’t count?)

And all of you will love this–my baby was very sick when he was newborn, I was recovering from a complicated C-section, and MIL used to come over and help. I am just hearing NOW (FROM MY MOTHER, not her–what a coward) about how when the floor was covered in spitup and he had been screaming for 4 hours, I was supposed to be offering MIL–you guessed it–tea and snacks. This is AFTER I DID OFFER, but she claims I never did. Hello McFly–you come purporting to help with my special-needs baby, who I am trying to keep ALIVE, you have the audacity to complain that I don’t make it all about you (screw the baby and whether or not he eats–I want my TEA), and I’M RUDE?????

She was shocked that my mom defended me as a good person. She said it was fine if this is American culture, but she”still thinks American women lack in social niceties.”

Not going to write much more for fear of revealing myself to the web, but do you have any thoughts on this at all? Why the Jekyll and Hyde act after the kid was born, and why am I being falsely accused and tattled about for things I never even did or knew I was doing wrong?

I wonder if it’s jealousy. Now that you guys have the child, her son has a completely new family and she is hypersensitive to being excluded?

Or maybe it’s a power issue – after people have children, they’re really stuck in their marriage and she thinks she can get away with more complaining?

Or maybe it is just a higher level of judgment now that you’re raising “her grandchild?” She expects you to be more conformist and traditional than before?

Whatever it is, I’d give her a clear motivation to stop it. I would pull the power card in reverse and tell her, yourself and to her face, that you’d heard what she had said and that you have enough going on with your child, and you can’t waste energy on petty complaints, so if she can’t stop badmouthing and hassling you, she won’t be welcome there anymore. But the husband has to back you up of course.

Hello, I am 16-years-old and I love your web site and I find it refreshing and full of humor at times. It has helped my mother a lot (I have a “biracial” sibling and Hispanic/Afro-Jamaican step-father). Ok, it wasn’t until recently I started getting into genetics, that I researched my own family backgrounds a bit more than I did before. I was astonished to find that I’m not the average American girl. I know my background was very “mixed”, but not as much as I found out. Through proddling both my Jamaican parents I found more info. My Maternal Grandmother is of European, “Black” (Afro-Jamaican) & East-Asian (Han Chinese) descent. My Maternal Grandfather is tri-racial and the son of a “Black” (Afro-Jamaican)/White (Irish) or “Biracial” mother and East-Indian (Gondi) father. My Parental Grandmother is of East-Indian (Dravidian) & “Black” (Afro-Jamaican) descent. And my Paternal Grandfather is of European (French) and “Black” (Afro-Jamaican). I am mostly “Black” (East-African, West-African & Central African), but also East-Indian (Dravidian & Gondi), European (Irish & French), and East-Asian (Han Chinese), I tend to look more of “Indian-Black” though. I disapprove of America’s social “One Drop Rule”, which would label me “black”. But I am not sure on what to label myself, due to my ancestry, my geneology, my phenotype, and the fact b/c of this and other reasons I do not fit in with “black”, “East-Asians”, “East-Indians”, and def. peoples. I want to honor my different, but special multiracial/multicultural ancestry, but I do not know where to start. Do any of your kids have similar problems? If so, how did you help them? Thank you for your time!

Thank so so so very much. This helps me a bit more to see that others of multi-ethnic descent have the same questions as far as their ethnic identity. I just wanted to find a way to honor my weird and interesting, but awsome ancestry. Now I have one. I hope one day “race” wont be so important in American/World life/issues, but for right now I’ll settle for a “multi-ethnic” “racial” catergory, and more help for ethnic minorities and women of all ethnicities. Once again than you.

BrianG

I’m sorry to hear your story and you must be hurting tremendously right now.

If your gf had chosen to stick with you, her family may have eventually come around, especially if a grandchild had resulted. But then again, maybe not.

Family ties are paramount to Indians, not happiness. That’s just the way the culture is.

It will probably change someday.

There is a website somewhere dedicated to people nursing broken hearts at the hands of Indians. Stories like your’s abound.

I would never advice anyone to get romantically involved with an Indian unless that Indian happened to be amongst the 1 percentile that is not attached to their family.