Welcome to Colorblind Cupid!

Hey CBC,

I must say, as a South Indian girl who grew up in a pretty typical South Indian family, I am really amused by your blog. Sounds like many families I know

I am dating a white guy, and I am taking him to meet my parents for the first time. Everything seems okay, my parents are really glad I’m happy, and they are pretty excited to meet him. The meeting, however, is starting to scare both of us. I mean… this is the first time I’m bringing someone home, let alone an American, and I’m not sure how they are going to react.

Most Important Question: What did you call your future in-laws before they were in-laws (while you guys were still dating)? Calling them by their first names seems silly (because that never happens), and I want him to feel somewhat at home! Any help or advice would help!

Hi C&A - Welcome!

C&A - Honestly, I’d just ask them what they want to be called. Since they already know you’re meeting and they aren’t objecting at this point, they may be open to whatever. Part of our problem was that Saresh’s parents didn’t know what they wanted me to address them as (I don’t know why). For you, if this is going well already, this may be a time for you to set something up for the future as to how to address each other. They may not care if he calls them Mr. and Mrs C&A.

I’m SO glad you brought this up because it sounds trivial, but it ended up being a huge issue for us for YEARS. It’s important to remember how much respect comes into play in little things like what you call the parents. (I totally forgot about the name thing! ugh… again!)

C&A - I’ll just throw in there that I just met my Indian boyfriend’s parents recently, and I call them “Mrs. and Mr. X” which was fine with them (I did check it with my boyfriend first) and is what I feel most comfortable calling them. I second CBC’s advice about asking them what they would like. It is a good thing to have settled ahead of time.

Hmmm…good question! I think it hasn’t scared me that much because so far my experience has been pretty different and largely positive. Maybe it’s because my boyfriend’s parents have been in the U.S. for more than 25 years now and though they love and embrace certain things associated with Indian culture, they don’t seem all that hardcore. They are a close family too, but they’ve already accepted a white “son” into the family and so they have no qualms about a white “daughter”, and it actually seems like they really do care what I think and how I feel.

Also, to be honest, I’ve dated many Indian men (and also several East Asian and Jewish men) over the years, so I’ve been spent some time thinking about how cultural differences will affect me - so I don’t feel like I’m falling into this completely ill-prepared. In fact, I would say that it is something I’ve chosen for myself (so I have only myself to blame if things go badly!) It’s not for everybody, but it does feel right for me.

Doesn’t mean I’m immune to worrying though. This week my boyfriend sprung on me the idea that his parents really, really, really want to buy me my engagement ring when they are in India next month. That was definitely something I never anticipated and really had to wrestle with!

I’m glad you are taking time to think about this, Inbetween! I think it’s totally fine to be freaked out or have doubts - it’s a good sign really - it means you’re putting some real thought into this.

Yea, it’s because I love and fit with this man like I’ve never have with anyone before. I also know he’s super duper nice to, like, everyone. He’s gotten better at being assertive, but I know he still wants to please every one. Half the time I feel like the dude! Hahah. I think he’s still shocked that I am perhaps the only person in his life who actually cares so much about his happiness…not what his duty or responsibility is to me, the community, etc. I just want him to do what makes him happiest. That’s all. I’ve even suggested he should try dating a Telugu girl again. I said, “Woulnd’t it be perfect if you found the Teulgu me?” He’s like.. “I don’t think that exists…”

And, thanks CaliforniaTransplant. You rock!

Also, OMG on the ring! First, congrats! Second, I bet you’d agree that in some ways it’s kind of cool they want to pick it out for you? In other ways, I can see how you’d want it to be from your BF. Humm…what if the parents sent digital pics of potential rings to you and/or your man? Or, you can totally express you appreciate their generousity but it’s something you want to do alone (or you want your man to do alone)…

“I think he’s still shocked that I am perhaps the only person in his life who actually cares so much about his happiness…not what his duty or responsibility is to me, the community, etc. I just want him to do what makes him happiest. That’s all.”

Inbetween, that’s awesome! I can totally relate to that. I think I’m the only one that’s ever told my BF that I’m proud of him for what he has accomplished and given him encouragement to achieve his dreams and find happiness. He’s not used to hearing that at all. Instead, he’s used to getting grief about the fact that he’s not married and his choice of career (let’s just say he’s not a doc or engineer). He looks at me with incredible bewilderment followed by sincere gratitude whenever I tell him he’s done something great.

I know…a lot to my Indian friends don’t know how to take a compliment. Even for those who have very prestigious jobs I seem to find many posses this strange and uncanny humility. Probably stems from the many expectations growing up we talked about. I don’t know…in a society swarming with spoiled baby-boomer brats, it’s kind of…refreshing.

I’ve dated ninja’s, pilot’s, Jewish guys, computer geeks, Greeks, and a good amount of Indian dudes too :). They are all different. The Punjabi guy who fell for me had several family members marry outside of Punjabi culture and uncles who married white ladies. I know family stuff would have been a lot easier with a guy like that. I told you out of my guys’ 200 family members, one married outside…to a Gujarati! But, no guy has ever compared to my guy now (sigh). J

Well, the trend’s got to start somewhere, right?

My boyfriend’s sister married a white man and now almost all of his cousins are dating non-Indians. It’s like she and her husband opened the floodgates for them all!

Inbetween, I can totally relate! I complemented my guy for being so nice..and he asked me why I said that. I was like, well, I wanted you to know that. He asked why again. I told him, that in this day and age, it seems so unusual for American guys to be so thoughtful and considerate, and being the first guy I’ve “dated” that is not-American has been very refreshing. He always asks about my thoughts and feelings. I asked him once why he chose me, he said because I am as beautiful inside as out. He had me hook, line, and sinker after that one LOL!

Hi -

I just met my boyfriend’s parents about a month ago and it didn’t work out as planned. I’m hoping for some insight on my situation.

The background: My boyfriend is Indian and has been in the states for about 4 years. We have known eachother for 3 years and are in a serious relationship. I would like to marry him at some point.

His entire family still lives in south India, and his parents came over to visit him for two months. I only met them once because after a day of being cordial to me his mother freaked out and told me never to talk to him again, or she’ll take him back to India and marry him to a girl from his same caste.

Over the past month, she has constantly argued with my boyfriend; refusing to talk to him, not eating, and so forth. His father, while he disapproves, is more reasonable. I barely been able to speak to or see my boyfriend because his parents simply won’t allow it.

I guess my question is: Do you think there is anything I could do to make his parents give me a chance?

My biggest fear is that I will lose my boyfriend over this. His mother is so stubborn it’s almost hard to believe. She is making it a situation in which he will have to choose between his family or me. Even if my boyfriend can handle such pressure and go against his family for me, I would feel so guilty that they would never speak to him again. I don’t know if I could ever make up for that.

I’ve offered to do whatever else his mother wishes (even go to India) as long as she gives me a chance, but she simply won’t budge or see logic. From what I gather she has a huge fear of the shame she will encounter back in India, and she is pressuring my boyfriend so much by making him feel that he is not doing his duty as a son.

Do you think that if my boyfriend does go against his mother, his parents would follow through with their word and reject him as their son? I mean, in general, would you say such a thing might be expected from strict, traditional Indian families?

Any advice that you gave give will be greatly appreciated! I’m just trying to keep some hope here, but it is such a horrible situation.

Thanks so much!

Oh Jeez! CBC is on vacation, so I’ll try to answer you the best I can. She’ll be back in a few days, though, so I’m sure she’ll chime in.

The one thing that you do not mention in this story is what feelings/desires/intents your bf has expressed over this whole mess.

This is very key, because based on the experiences of other women dating Indian men from strict families like this, I would expect that your bf would have to choose you over his parents, and be willing to live with the consequences.

I have a feeling that once you were married (or getting close to it) his parents might finally bend - because it doesn’t seem that Indian parents truly want to throw away their sons - they just want to threaten it, if they think it will get them the desired response.

All of this is really awful and heart wrenching, I realize, but none of it matters until your bf decides what HE wants. Has he proposed to you? Have the two of you even discussed your future in serious terms? Have the two of you discussed what he will do in the face of his parents’ wrath? Has he expressed the feeling that he won’t marry without his parents’ consent? (As a recent visitor in your shoes related)

Once you know the answers to these questions you will have a better picture of whether you will be able to marry this man. It may take him some time to figure out the answers himself, but if you’ve been together 3 years he should have a clue by now.

ok… i didn’t know the forum to discuss this desi story in the news, but i find it fascinating… here’s my take on it:

in suburban chicago, supposedly a 1.5 abcd got an arranged marriage and after one year, wants to get out of the marriage (for one year, she has been talking to close male “friend” in CA (also desi) whom “she’s not romantically involved” who DROVE from LA to chicago to pick her up, a male nobody in her family knows about). she claims she didn’t purposely fake her disappearance, even though she told people that “4 men were following her” on the way after work to the des plaines river to place a broken ganesh in the river to get rid of bad luck. they found her HONDA CIVIC still running and she was gone. illinois state police spent >$250K searching for her. then using cell phone records, (DUH… they find activity and discover she’s talking and traveling around. she claims she had no idea a big search effort was underway looking for her, so she briefly talks to police, and has now disappeared again with her “friend” in a rental car. but, this time she DEACTIVATED her cellphone. her whole family and husband claims they had a happy marriage, and she stated to police no abuse was involved. btw, she is currently staying a motel with the desi guy “friend”. police are currently searching again for her to press charges, good thing she deactivated the cell phone.

all in all, instead of just getting a divorce like normal people, she FAKES HER OWN DEATH and leaves her HONDA CIVIC running at a nature preserve (she’s patel and no patel in their right mind would leave the car running and waste gas/money… more proof that she was trying to fake her own kidnapping or death).

it’s some real DESI DRAMA… honda civics, cell phone manipulations, arranged marriage, patels freaking out, ganesh statues being placed in the river to ward off bad luck, desi chat forums claiming “if she was white… the police would be doing everything… yadda yadda yadda”, white neighbors stating they were a quiet couple but they refused invitations d/t them being vegetarian… almost comical in the amt of stereotypes in this bullshit.

Hi Desperate - I didn’t forget about you. I’m just not sure I can add much more beyond was CA did for you, especially w/out knowing other details. I can say at least his mom can’t FORCE him to go to India, nor can she force him to marry someone else just because she says so. Unless she plans on drugging him and stuffing him in her suitcase, but he’d be over the international flight luggage weight limit. Then there’d be the drugging at the wedding… My MIL and FIL were difficult, and nothing if not persistent long-term, but they were never so over the top like that, or threatening suicide, or any of the other wacky stuff I hear, so I’m not even sure what we’d do in a situation like that!

I’m going to put up a post probably tomorrow that sort of deals with this kind of issue (do what I say or else). I don’t know that it would help you or not, but you can keep checking in and we’ll at least listen when you need a sympathetic ear!

Thanks CBC & chineseambassador for the input.

I’ll look for the post that deals with “do what i say or else issue.”

My bf’s parent’s haven’t let up at all; I’m guessing part of it is just personality. My bf is really afraid that his parents will reject him for the rest of his life… & that’s hard because I know that family is important to him. Also, he is sincerely worried that they will actually damage their health (even die from stress) over the matter. Already they have proven that they will fast from eating; purposely making themselves weak. My poor bf is a wreck from all of the stress, & i know he’s so confused about what to do as well.

I’m really feeling hopeless about it. I don’t think any kind of reasoning will get through to his parents…I almost feel like they are crazy…but I suppose they are just radically strict on following the customs. It’s just hard for me to understand how a mother could choose a culture over her own son… & not even be a little sympathetic.
If there was anything I could do to let them give me a chance, I’d do it…

Anyway, thanks so much for the reponses. Talking about it has helped me some.

Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on how you look at it), it really has nothing to do with YOU personally, so there isn’t really anything you can or could do to change their minds. I know that sounds perverse, but it’s true, and when you look at what they’re doing the whole thing is perverse (with the not eating, etc.), so it fits.

Don’t worry about them not eating. They likely fast anyway for religious reasons if they’re practicing Hindus, so they’re used to it. My MIL can fast for a month - it can make her cranky and tired, but that’s about it. If they want to be that childish, let them - the only ones they are hurting is themselves (physically). They’re not going to die from the stress or from not eating.

Something that would concern me is how you bf ends up handling this all if you stay together. If these ridiculous antics of his parents actually work on him to some degree, they will use them FOREVER to manipulate him into doing what they want, which is going to impact the both of you. My MIL has the martyr spiel down pat (though thank God she never did any of this idiocy!), but we just roll our eyes when she starts on that. Saresh stops talking with her and usually goes home. The spiels have gotten less and less over the years.

I know that this is truly hard on him - I don’t know what he feels, but I know that it hurts and stresses him and they are putting him in a awful position. However, what he does here is going to impact his future greatly one way or the other - if he stands up to them and stays with you, his future relationship with them is uncertain and he (and you) will have to find your way with them, and they truly may cut him off for a time or even forever (though I doubt that will happen forever). If he decides to give in to them and do what they want, he’s no longer his own man. He’ll be doing what they want for the rest of his life - they’re like spoiled kids who know what tantrums work to get their parents to buy them a toy, or let them stay up or eat what they want - whatever they want. Only this time it’s reversed.

I am understanding on how these “new” (new to them) kinds of relationships can be hard from them to become accustomed to and accept. I am not, however, tolerant or understanding AT ALL of such foolish, hurtful, cruel and immature behavior. I think that says something to their character when they behave in such ways. It’s one thing to argue WITH WORDS with your child because you don’t believe what they are doing is right. It’s another to stop eating, threaten suicide, threaten apparently kidnapping, call girlfriends whores, and other such nonsense. I’ll stop now before I say something so “culturally insensitive” that I start getting bashed again. Hmpf.

Great blog - fun reading.

I am a South Indian woman who in about 3 months will be marrying a white Lutheran man. It’s been pretty easy breezy with my family, he’s from the midwest - so I know that alot of his family is going to have culture shock at the wedding - should be fun :).

That being said, we are trying to integrate the ceremony as much as we can (although my parents gasped at the idea of truly integrating into one ceremony) via clothes, etc. But we are going to have a traditional 1 hour hindu ceremony followed immediately by a 15 minutes exchange of christian vows. I’d like to do a reading or something between the both to tie it all together. Anyone seen anything like that about fusion/integration of cultures/etc.

Any ideas are appreciated.

Good luck
KC

Desperate if your bf is not gonna stand up for you, even if its agaiinst his parents iam afraid you have to say “bye loser”

you want a man with a spine (aka BackBone). if he is not gonna stand up for his beliefs 9/10 times he wont stand up for you later on…

And somewhere down the line you dont want to be a mommy of 2 of his kids divorced and trying to find another man do you?

Just ask him to **** off and go find a better life with some one else

It is funny to see men on here because men and women are so different in some regards it is true but men will also say what a lot of women only think. Thanks Dale for speaking your mind lol!

Hey!

I say what I’m thinking! I’M THE MAN AROUND HERE, BITCHES! lol

Dale - you repeated what we’ve said many times on this site.

KC - are you the same as “kc” on here? I swear there are two - the other is white and has her own family blog, and was just recently introduced to the boyfriend’s parents and they thought it went well, but then didn’t… Other kc - is this right?

Or am I just crazy? If I’m not crazy, one of you has to get a new screen name for me!

Maybe Dale could be like that show that was on for 2 seconds - Breaking Up With Shannen Doherty, where she broke up with people for their bf/gf. He could do all the breaking up for people on here. (Unless CA still wants to wear the manly pants around here - hee hee).

I think he could do the job for me…or CA could heheh

Ah, geez.

My guy is an alcoholic. He decided last night to do something about it.

When I offered support, when I was encouraging, he was silent. He, uh, really just doesn’t want to talk to me.

I can’t tell if it’s a Libra thing or a cultral thing. He was born and raised in San Jose, but his parents are straight from Punjabi.

Any insight, ANY, is welcomed.

**side note**
CBC, I love you. This site is fan-friggn-tastic!

Wow, there are two KCs. I’m the white one. Crazy! I will change my name to galaxie to avoid confustion.

Poor Ara - I’d do the job for you. I’m still irritated with him on your behalf.

Thanks, dorkieshe! I wish I had some insight for you - it seems to me things like alcoholism are kept kind of hush hush in the culture, so that’s probably playing into it. I don’t know how to help with that. He may be really embarrassed or feel very ashamed. Maybe someone else on here has dealt with that?

YAY! I’m not crazy! Okay - I can keep KC.galaxie straight (and thanks for changing!).

I think the other Indian KC e-mailed me for my wedding program (am I right?). Which, btw, I’ve been cleaning my office as promised - I haven’t come across it yet, but there’s hope! That should have the scriptures. It really bugs me that I lost that.

Dorkieshie, my father at one time used to drink too much..and he’d get into a horrible rage. My parents have been married to each other 3 times and divorced from each other twice. Growing up, I remember he’d come in so angry from the alcohol..and he’d hit my mom or try to choke her. I remember beating him on the back to make him stop. That’s what the 2nd divorce was over..he left on my birthday. Man I’ve got baggage don’t I? Anyway, mom told him that he had to leave and decide what he wanted from life. That he had to chose between alcohol and his alcoholic friends or his family, that he couldn’t have both. It took more than a year, but he came to terms with it and chose his family over the booze. I am not saying that he was actually an alcoholic..because he can have one drink today, and not become dependent on it..but he must have been very close to it. They need time and support..and your guy admitting he has a problem is a step in the right direction. It is okay if he doesn’t talk about it to you..but I think it may be important for him to get some outside counseling or support, whether it be a friend or a family member. But, he does need to know that he IS liked or loved by you..it gives them courage I think.

dorkieshe, The best thing you can do– for yourself and for him– is to get yourself into Al-Anon. As you likely know, it is “the” support program for loved ones of addicts. While you may be thinking that “he” has the problem and “he” needs to get help (and thank God he has decided to!), you may not know that there is likely a lot you can learn about yourself through a program like Al-Anon. Attending Al-Anon meetings will give you the strength and the insight you will need to get through your man’s recovery (or relapse, whatever the case may be) and come out a better person, ready to face whatever life throws at you.

You said you were looking for insight. The people you’ll meet at Al-Anon will have all the insight you can imagine– and more! They will have all of the compassion and wisdom you so desperately need too. Give it a try. To find a meeting, call 1-888-4AL-ANON.

Thank you all for your responses.

I am being super non bitchy but very honest. I am trying to be supportive, I really just want him to be happy and healthy. Hopefully he is just pulling back for a minute to get his head together.

I really hope I am not losing him.

ara- **huggles**
If you ever need to chat, let me know.

Ara-we ALL have our baggage do not feel bad about it. My mom is on her 6th marriage.

>>>Hopefully he is just pulling back for a minute to get his head together.

Addicts use because they are filled with pain, self-loathing and shame. I imagine that he feels very, very low right now, particularly if he isn’t drinking to mask his pain, so it is completely understandable that he doesn’t want to talk. He is ashamed of who he is and he’s going to have to do a lot of work to see his own value. Give him time and space to do the work.

>>> I really hope I am not losing him.
Of course you do. But, give him the time and space he needs to do his work AND take the time and space YOU NEED to do YOUR work. You will be a lot better off if you work on yourself too. There is probably some reason that you fell in love with an addict, and if you don’t find out what that reason is, one of two things will likely happen: 1.) your man will get healthy and as the relationship dynamic changes, the relationship will fail because it will no longer meet *your* needs. (For example, you might be a caretaker and he may no longer need to be taken care of. You will then need to go find someone else to take care of, quite possibly another addict). 2.) Your man will not get healthy and your relationship will continue as it is, since it will continue to meet both of your needs, even if that means that one or both of you is unhappy. (For example, he wants to be taken care of and your want someone to take care of. At times, he feels controlled and you feel burdened– plus you both feel resentful of the other– but overall the dynamic works well enough for you both that you keep it up and the relationship continues, however dysfunctional. )

If you get healthy, you will have the coping skills you will need to decide whether you are better off with him or without him– and you will have the skills you will need to improve *all* of your relationships in life and approach life with a fresh perspective.

dorkieshe, please believe me when I say I’m not trying to preach by reiterating my Al-Anon advice! I’m stressing the importance that you take this important step *for yourself*, because the sooner you get started, the sooner you can get on with a healthier, happier life! Having been married to an addict and having had to do all of this work myself, I can say from experience that it is one of the greatest gifts you will ever give yourself.

(dorkieshe , if you have an alcoholic parent, Adult Children of Alcoholics may be an alternative to Al-Anon for you to consider. The meeting formats, issues and benefits are similar.)

Thanks, I honestly think I could have benefited from children of alcoholics as a child…but it’s been enough years, that I have dealt with it. At first, I was soo very embarassed and didn’t talk about it at all. I really clammed up a lot, and to this day, I have a lot of trouble trusting people..esp if I know they drink. It scares me when I see my little brother drink. Most of my dad’s siblings have had trouble with alcoholism at some point as well. I am esp. scared for my brother because he also gets very violent and explosive..even without the alcohol. I have warned him that our Native American genes makes up prone to it..but he won’t listen.

Well, I thought I’d update you guys. I talked to my guy CS earlier this evening..he called me after I left him a long email. He told me that he honestly just freaked out…that it just scared him knowing that I like him, and he was just overwhelmed with coming back from India, catching up school work, and catching the flu (we have an epidemic here), so it was just some added emotional issues. He also apologized because he’s so busy with school, and told me that if I came to the point that I wanted to date someone else..that he’s okay with that because he knows he’s soo busy, and doesn’t want me to think that I have to wait around for him. That he just wants me to be happy, but still wants to be with me. So, any comments anyone?

LG,

**blink**

Thank you.

At the risk of sounding crazy, I don’t remember alot of my childhood. It wasn’t good, I can tell you that much.
Auto-block?

Anyway, you are 100% right. And I have been so caught up in wanting to be there for him (Haven’t seen nor heard from him in three days. . ), I have been driving myself effing nuts.

Thank you for getting me refocused.

Anyother advice you have, I am all ears!

<3 ya’ll!

WTH, DALE! I was looking for support, not discouragement. I am sorry, but I really have strong feelings for my guy, and am NOT going to dump him based only on your supposedly non-racist statement. Coming from a very mixed background myself, I really find that quite offensive! Your opinion is welcome, but you can’t just say what your saying without better reasons.

(this is Inbetween) Ara— girl, I don’t know what to do with you! Broken up, together, broken up, together…

Hummm…. he’s scared. Sometimes that isn’t always the excuse we think it is! Just figure out what YOU want, tell him, and look for follow through…

I’m just going to ignore Dale’s comment, I’ll let the rest of you do the dirty work. Sheesh.

What do you think the excuse for “he’s scared” is? I did ask him what he meant by, he’s scared. He keeps telling me that he’s just scared of getting hurt again or hurting me…and that he’s sorry because he knows that he did hurt me this time. I know he was engaged and dated a girl for 2 1/2 years before he met me…he’d only been broke up from her for about 6 months at the time.. she cheated on him, but that’s all I know..or really want to know. I really didn’t like him giving me permission to date others or move on if I wanted..I mean I know it was a nice gesture.. but somewhere, back in my mind, I keep getting this nagging feeling that it is some sort of test. Do you know what I mean? I told him that I didn’t want anyone else, that I am happy with being with him. Anyway, any advice is welcome NK!

(formerly INbetween)

Heh, ok I hear you. Guys whip out the “I’m scared” for a varrrriiiieety of reasons. Those reasons range from him being genuinely scared to being full of S***. I don’t know your dude, so… it’s up to you to get to the bottom of it!

I do know that when guys get burned (cheated on, dumped) they generally don’t handle it as well as women. One reason being they are not socially programmed to be “feeling” oriented. Also, they typically don’t have the same kind of emotional support women tend to have with their friendships. Also, I just find Indian guys to be a little more sensitive and clueless in relationships in general. As my friend Neha said of Indian guys, “You have to TELL them how it works.” Think about it, second generation Indians get ZERO guidance from their parents on this front (some can’t even TALK about dating with their parents!!). I’ll tell ya, R and I basically work because I run the show!

Actually, when R was in his “confused” phase he told me he didn’t want to hold me back from other dating opportunities. Initially, this came off as him being “just not that into me.” But it was TRULY because he didn’t want me to wait around for him–yet at the same time he was giving me tons of signals that he did want me. Sigh. Anyway–so while he was all confused I DID go ahead and date other guys. I realized I needed to give others a chance if he was going to be all ‘confused’ and give me up that easily. THAT really gave him a wake up call! He started stepping up his game after that… he looks back now and is like ‘Thank GOD those other guys you dated in the interim ended up being tools!’ But doing this set a precedent that I wasn’t messing around and I wasn’t going to hang around for him.

Not sure if that helps….

I say, figure out what YOU want from a guy (or him). Even write a list of what those things are — I did this — it’s a great thing. Figure out if your man is givin’ you want you want! If not you may have to reassess… Remember you are the decisive element here. You can’t change his being scared/confused but you always have control over your response. Paradoxically, this sometimes helps others see what they want.

Life resolves itself.

This is just my 2 cents - so disregard if you don’t like it!

I don’t think giving you permission to date others was a nice gesture. I think that’s an out for him - if you are the one who leaves, then he can justify to himself that it was all about you, and his behavior had nothing to do with the relationship ending.

The other thing that struck me (in a distasteful way) was when he said he’s just “so busy.”

His response to you reminded me of that guy who wrote “He’s Just Not That Into You.” If you ever watched that Sex and the City episode where it first came up (the author wrote for the show), and Carrie’s boyfriend is telling Miranda that her guy is just not that into her. Carrie gets all upset, but Miranda wants to hear more and suddenly her whole dating life makes sense. The guy Miranda was dating declined coming up to have sex because he was “so busy” and had to work in the morning. Carrie’s bf tells her that no guy is turning down sex if he’s into the girl - no matter what he has going on. He just wasn’t that into Miranda.

I was already married when I saw that show, and then later saw him talking about the book, and I just went AHHAAAAAAA! My past relationships all suddenly made sense to me. I only ever had ONE guy tell me that he just didn’t see a future with us - he knew I wasn’t the one he wanted to marry. And I actually appreciated it. I knew that, too, but for some reason I had kept dating him because I was unwilling to break off a dead relationship. Other guys, from whom I’d heard the “so busy” and “I’m scared of getting hurt” or “scared of hurting you” (what-ev-ah) and “you can see other people if you want” and “I’m just not ready to commit right now” and on and on - that was all put in new perspective for me. And when I compared Saresh’s behavior (and one or two other past relationships), the difference between a guy who was really “into me” and the ones that just weren’t that into me, was HUGE. I could have saved myself a bunch of time and heartache, and probably some self-esteem, too.

So, your guy may be scared to tell his parents, or go through the whole “I’m marrying a white girl” ordeal - but is he into you enough to do that?

Anyway, so that’s kind of where my mind went just based on the response you said he gave. So I guess I’d ask, what is that YOU want? Because if his answer isn’t fitting in that description, I’d be looking into NK’s response to tell him that and if he’s not hopping to follow through, then you may want to consider the just not that into angle and move on to find someone you deserve - somebody who IS that into you.

HAhaha, I agree with the “He’s Just Not That Into You” theory for the most part, however, remember that episode where Miranda’s date stood her up becaause he DIED?? I know it’s a stretch…but figuring out if “HJNTIY” is not tottttally back and white. I think you have to rationally look at every situation differently…

From my experience, I will say the ‘HJNTIY” barometer is probably 90% accurate when dating white guys. White guys tend to be more straight-forward and much easier (cough, boring) for me to read. More culture-bound Indian guys have been more of a challenge for me. Like I have said before, just because they might have more of the confusion/identity issues doesn’t mean the situation is doomed. . . Sometimes there can be great rewards. . . (but not always–it’s different in every situation) . . .

(all I’m formerly inbetween)

HAHahah you crack me up Dale. I like the sauce you bring here.

Your comments are SUPER ironic about nice guys because my current Indian guy, who is extremely fascinating and exciting, is about the nicest damn guy you’ll ever meet in your life. You’d be hard pressed to find one person who doesn’t like this guy. We’ve been together a long time now and he’s the only guy I’ve ever been able to say I think I could really be with long-term.

I guess I just lucked out…he’s extremely intelligent, about the most empathetic person I’ve ever met, and a total hot stud to me.

His *thing* that I’ve been trying to figure out IS his strong sense of Indianness and loyalty/respect/ties to his culture. He’s also slow to make decisions–which can make him look confused–and more passive in his approach to problems too. If anything is going to cause our demise it’s that his family life will not be condusive to being married to a white, independent, American girl. Or, he will end up being too passive and prove he cannot take a stand for me. However, I will say a lot of those fears have been resolving as he has been proving in very practical ways that he can go to bat for me, for us, and for the “American ways” we both value.

That is really funny though. He’s like sweeter than pie. Our nicknames for eachother are Sugar and Spice (we are both ENFP’s so the sweet/saucy thing is one area where we are significanly different. He is much kinder, less-judgmental, and not at all fiery than me. . .I also have a lot more passion and assertiveness than him! OK now don’t gag over those nicknames).

I did worry that after my last post people would say all I want is the challenge…not the guy. Sooo not true, I’m done with playas Dale! Been there, done that, borrrrring.

Since both dorkieshe and ara0062 said any advice was welcome (smile), I’d like to recommend to both of you and to anyone else who has been raised in an alcoholic or otherwise dysfunctional, addictive or abusive home that you do some reading on what is is to be “codependent.” Melody Beattie is the recognized expert on this topic and her book “Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself” is a great place to start.

You can so some research on the web starting tonight if you’re curious about the characteristics of codependent personalities. I found a list of characteristics at http://www.recovery-man.com/coda/symptoms.htm.
The list may sound a little clinical and/or overwhelming at first– and you certainly do not have to have every characteristic to be “codependent” or to benefit from freeing yourself from codependent/controlling behaviors– but I suspect you would find value in learning more about this topic.

ara0062, “Adult Children of Alcoholics” is for grown ups, not for kids. It’s for people whose lives have been impacted by the lives they lived as kids. You said that you have dealt with the things you suffered as a kid, but in the next breath you said, “to this day, I have a lot of trouble trusting people..esp if I know they drink. It scares me when I see my little brother drink….I have warned him that our Native American genes makes up prone to it..but he won’t listen.” You’ll see that two of the characteristics of codependent people are not trusting others and trying to control them (which you likely see as just trying to *help* them).

And, dorkieshe, you’re correct in guessing that your not being able to remember much of your childhood is not uncommon in people who have have traumatic childhoods. It sounds to me like you are starting to put some pieces of the puzzle together: linking your past to your present.

In terms of specifics regarding your dating situation, ara0062, I think some good comments have been offered already. I can’t add any specifics since I don’t know either of you, but I will underscore the importance of your working on yourself (gosh, we can ALL do this!). The Melody Beattie’s book I recommended may be a good starting place, while attending Adult Children on Alcoholics may be a great next step. A good general “dating” book is “Mars and Venus on a Date” by John Gray.

Hang in there, ladies! Know that we’re behind you!

Sorry to keep switchin’ names, need to reprogram home computer…

I want to hear CBC’s response to Dale! HAHAH…

So I, as a white woman, am so clueless that I need a big strong pseudo-emotional player to figure out what I want? If you get more ass than a toilet seat you must be working over a lot of dumbass women. Probably meet them in the local college bars, too. Getting a lot of ass doesn’t mean you’re meeting anyone intelligent.

But please continue because you are amusing. I get so bored of the race discussions, I need a diversion.

I was waiting for your sass CA!!!!!!!!!

Thank you CA…I have to agree with you. Getting a lot of ass doesn’t mean anything to be honest. It’s kinda like keeping a tally on how many flies you swatted..you got some, you missed some..but in the end, no one really cares about that. Yes, there are plenty of players out there, but I am past that point in my life, but you are keeping me laughing at this point LOL.

NK, CBC, and LG, thanks for all the advice. NK, was Raj born here or was he actually from India. CS has no family here. He came here in 2003, if I remember correctly, so I was trying to figure out if it is a cultural thing as well that I’m dealing with. I honestly would like to make things work with him, after much thinking. He makes me happy and feel better about myself than I already do. In a way, his personality is so refreshing and delightful, that I never seem to tire of it. I have never been in this serious of a relationship before, so it’s all new ground that I am covering..that is why I value all of your opinions so much. When I discouraged or encouraged, you guys help me to figure things out..even poor hilarious Dale.

Cool! I’m glad this helps, ara.

R was born in India and came here when he was one. His parents told him all sorts of freaky things. For example they told him it was disrespectful to kiss a girl you weren’t going to marry. They also denied his request to go to prom using an A MINUS as a sorry excuse.

And he’s also tried the arranged thing…twice.

We’ve both kind of had a tumultuous road in the dating dept. (read my blog!!!) so we’re just both so happy we found each other. . . .

I am writing a book on How to Get any woman in to bed.As a man its our job to get you laid, as a woman its your job to pursue us for a relationship.

I am also part author of a book called How to be a guy that every woman wanna be with.

Making a woman feel good about herself is definitely one of the points ive covered. I am right there with you..

Believe it or not woman are clueless. ChineseAmbassador. But problem is men these days are bought up by clueless woman, and they end up becoming clueless..

The men who i teach are successful.Engineers, accountants, scientists….but if those women werent banging the jerks while these guys wait for them in the rain with wilter flowers in their hands, I wouldnt have taken up this job,and no i dont tkae money for it..

Not to brag, iam not looking to brag here, but ive made some losers get a life, get a job, get passions, and finally teach them on how to get women in to bed

(As I type this I just remember having sex with a bride-t0-be at the bachelorettes party…yea right she loves him and makes him haaaaaapppppy just like someone said..i just make the girls happier)

Iam not validating this…as i said the guy deserves better than this period…

I don’t have anything to say to Dale that you gals haven’t already said. I am getting quite a few LOL chuckles though, so as CA says, it’s more entertaining than a race discussion right now!

I know a guy who is the poster child for players (he’s Indian). Dale reminds me of him, so far - it’s like listening to him speak. It’s funny online, because I don’t know Dale. The guy I know is not funny though - he used to just annoy the ever-lovin’ crap out of me. Now I’m filled less with annoyance and more with pity. He’s pushing 34 and doesn’t even know HOW to have a serious relationship. He wants to have kids - his sister has two, almost all his (stable) friends are married with kids. He goes out and because he’s not old and saggy yet, he still gets the same ass as he used to - but they’re all still young college girls, or party girls like him. The friends he parties with are all the same as him - they’re shortly going to reach the point where the college girls in bars start laughing at them for being there, instead of offering up the proverbial ass like Dale says.

He seems kind of lost to me now. He still talks the exact same way, but he seems like it’s all hollow swagger now - kind of depressed, and he doesn’t know how to have the real thing and he’s watching his pussy-gettin’ days evaporate before his eyes and knows he’s going to get left with nothing in the end.

I figured it out! Maybe Dale is Ton-Loc come to play on our site!

He’s passin’ out the Funky Cold Medina as we speak…

Keep it up though, dude - seriously. You’re cracking me up, and I mean that in the best possible way.

Heres why indian women from india want to go out with you white women

1.Sex
being bought up in a society where making out is frowned upon and living with parents your indian just found new-found freedom..With consultancies popping up like mushrooms they get to make atleast 50K thanks to the free undergrad education by the guys parents bak in country..
And now they can have sex.afterall who wants to pay for sex??

2. Slavism Mentality:
India was ruled by 366 years by the british. If evolutionary theory is correct then genetics has also bought in what is called approval from white man complex

The same students in undergrad who disrespect the professors and teachers come here and respect them. why again its being approved by a white man.

Now they are trying to get approval and one way to get into european ways of lifes is the white women who will fall for anything thats colored…

indians bring in money, you give them free sex, free status and prestige (unless the guy is born n raised in the US)..
having a gf is big deal and having a white gf is dream come true for indians from india…and they will do everything above and beyond to keep you around, period.
(applies even if youre slightly fat and ugly and rejected by white men)

If u dont believe me take your man to india and walk around the streets and see every eyes staring at you as if he is out with an angel
(And god knows that they are ugly rejected men by the whitemen)

3. Falling in love:
Indian men say this all the time.How their heart felt it and fell in love…i guess they are too carried out by their bollywood movies…

4. Frienship:
Indians thinkk aquaintance = friendship. Just because they hang out with them a couple of times makes them a friend..goto chatrooms and indian men will pop up with u wanna be my friend..

5.Respect:
the respect you get from indian men my loving white ladies here is for your skin..enough said

I was thinking he’s more The Ladees Man from SNL (Tim Meadows)…. the SNL sketches are a lot raunchier (and more Dale-like) than this youtube:

http://youtube.com/watch?v=CqT6-ppb9dg&feature=related

Sorry D-Unit, you’re not getting laid by any of the ladees on this blog!!!!!!!

If youre any less than 8.5 on an attraction scale of 1 (warpig) to 10 (super hot), chances are i wouldnt wanna sleep with you, even if you offer it on a platter.

hey those indian dudes are waiting for you 1 to 7’s, oh again they want green cards help em out

OMG, you are so hilarious. I am roflmao because of you Dale!

Um, Dale, you should really read a few posts back. The lady who runs this blog (CBC) has a tiny little frame and DDD’s—no joke.

Good luck Ladees man!!!!

DDD’s yuckkkkkk.thats size 22….fit for an indian man….thanks for the luck

Oh God.

You have no idea how depressed I am at this moment, envisioning the “D Man” getting a book deal. CBC - holla!

I really want to know what race Dale is. I have this crazy vision of a Black Panther, from the “Indians are looking for approval from the White Man” schtick.
Or maybe he’s white, like that Tom Cruise character from Magnolia? (LOL!!! Now I gotta go rent that again)

So Dale, why don’t you describe your perfect woman…

Paris Hilton?

OMG I TOTALLY envisioned D Man as Tom Cruise from Magnolia!!!!!!!! That is one of my favorite movies EVER—I didn’t think anyone would know it. Impressive CA!!!!!

My perfect woman is a ten.both inside and outside..smart, caring, feisty,crazy, funny, interesting, not boring, does NOT take my shit, well travelled, not a big tv fan, likes to go out alot, fights with me, loves me, hates me, intelligent,educated, loving, mysterious, womanly,
with blonde hair, 5ft 7-5ft 9 tall, size 4 (note to Chinese and CBC..BBW does not count no matter what u say…may be it does to an indian man..but they take anything thrown at them dont they iff its white)..
blonde, green or blue eyes, ambitious and successful

Actually Tom Cruise plays HIMSELF in that movie…scary…

I do have DDDs, which was the point of an entire post - clearly you’re not actually reading the blog and here just to engage in poor grammar word play with the only ladies who will actually talk to you. If you actually got as much ass as you say, you’d know that there are plenty of ladies who are tiny and have a large chest. And because you’ve shown yourself to be a knuckle-dragger, I feel compelled to point out that I do not have implants - because I know you’d go there next.

I just got a flash of The 40-year-old Virgin, where they’re sitting around playing poker and his co-workers ask him to describe sex and what the girls boobs felt like, and he has no idea, and he says they felt like a bag of sand. LOL!

No i wont say that….youre not from LA are you..
its LA you dont know whats real or whats not…they need to spend a day diagnosing…

I love that movie. though i like the character Beth, she is my type, though she has small girls. talkig of which i dont sleep with girls with big chests, i prefer utmost a D, anything more i just get turned off, dont ask me why

OMG I’m busting a gut over here. Dale you’re hilarious. I hope you do this type of trolling for cash, because you are totally worth it.

Tara Reid (SNORT!) Her nipples aren’t even on straight anymore.

My fave quote from Dale: “Women love to be dominated in the bedroom” -BAHAHAHAHAHHA

I really hope Dale comes back because I have a bottle of wine and some shopping on Ebay to do… I would love to hear more of his sweet love banter and tender compliments. Pure poetry, I say.

God!!!…thanks for the cheesy complements…
My best friend paul once said iam funny even without knowing iam….and thats what makes me click.but thanks for the cheddar…youre lovely too chinese ambassador

well not really. I’ve got three kids and am now a size 8. So I’m probably a “war pig”? Ang and I love that term, btw!

warpig must have a moustache..so i doubt tht youre probably a HB3 MILF :p..Just messing…..

mustache! Ok, guess I’m not a warpig. darn! MILF - that’s from American Pie right? lol Yeah I’m a MILF, except i don’t have collagen injected in my lips.
K - I just looked at that website (tucker max) - remeber when I said the worst date I ever went on was with a Tunisian soccer player? He was like the Arab version of Tucker Max. (puke)

Ok, since I’m drinking, I’ll tell you the real secret to dating. (for women) Although this isn’t foolproof..

it’s older men. Holy crap, hottest bf I ever had was when I was 21, he was 41, EEEEEEEEEEEE!!! It totally couldn’t work out though, because he had three kids and was freaked out by our age difference. Fun while it lasted though.

So if I wasn’t with Ang, I’d be chasing the 40+ dudes. For real. I have a thing for gray hair. Ang is starting to get silver hairs and it turns me on. (And no, this has nothing to do with money, Dale) LOL!

oh man CA love that you are getting smashed by the computer….!!!

yea it’s great that r’s in his 30’s and 5 years older than me…

Actually I know that for a fact women do like older men…iam not getting old for that..i actually look way too young for my age…

but again attraction isnt a choice….certain steps do create attraction… period…. 21 or 61 doesnt matter……

i am more or less like hitch….except when i was super duper nice, a girl i know was beddin an indian guy…the next girl i was seeing was again doing a similar shit with another indian dude…since then i learnt hindi, and indian stuff, their cutlure and everything…

(And its a big contrast that indian culture practices no sex before marriage yet the first thing they do is that…and ive heard them say a million times that white women are easy lay.compared to indian women…

similar stuff happend to a couple of my friends…too…

i studied human behaviour, evolutionary psychology, you name it…

i became like tucker maxx….the more jerk i was the more women i laid…not just any women….hot shit…i felt sorry for the guys that dint have a clue

poor them after all their mom thought if a girls mad go bring her flowers…but flowers never work, never have, never will…..

i taught them to go see the same girl with 2 girls on each arm…now suddenly the girl wants him more…i taught the guys to be a ***** man…be challenging, be creative, if women act bratty i ask them to act like an a$$hole, if they are nice, i ask them to act nice…if they play games, i asked them to play two…. if they are nice , then be nice too..

again. women are not logical…they are emotional…so lot of what i said will not make sense…

i also love the fact that neo is completely blonde…

CA, girl, you are on a roll now LOL! Sorry, I only know English and some Spanish…and enough Vietnamese words to get me into serious trouble haha. CA, you’re not the only cold-hearted one LOL..at least I am not alone in the world hahaa. Are we sure that Dale isn’t someone we know just playing pranks?

Uhh, I don’t think so ara. This guy’s a true gem.

Dale - The thing about the character Hitch is he is a nice guy trying to help other nice guys find good women to have meaningful relationships with not to just sleep with…I hardly think you are like that character. BTW why is a 27 yr old guy that gets so much ass and lives in an ass pirate pad. I am sorry correction a pirate pad because you get so much booty…right.. on here engaging us women who want nothing to do sexually with a guy like you? Oh and also you are co author of a book called “How to be a guy that every woman wanna be with” That sounds like an award winning title…Great grammar. What is with all of the abbreviations like HJNTIY and BBW (big breasted women?). Now I am thinking you are a Scientologist. OMG You ARE Tom Cruise! ROFL.

CA- I miss the days you and I sat around drinking wine! … Come on leave Tara Reid alone lol I am sure she is embarrassed enough with her lopsided nipples LOL

NK- Parris Hilton, classy? Was that a joke cause you sure made me laugh!

Done and Done.

WAIT… I forgot my disclaimer… None of the statements in this comment are the thoughts or views of anyone else on this site and are subject to copyright infringement!

Ah lol I got you.
I still do not think Classy is the best word… Maybe too famous or too rich for him perhaps because I think a porn star wannabe hoe is right up his alley and I am sure she thinks of herself as a 10. ROFL LMAO LOL.

Disclaimer- The statements made about Paris Hilton were in no way meant to be offensive to her or anyone who likes her! ha ha ha

You girls serioulsy have to read this… it’s our new friend!!!

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/25754

“The fact you appreciate the humor of that cements the fact that you are one of the few people in the world that ‘gets’ me!”

-Smoove

OMG that is freakin’ hilarious! He is much cuter than I imagine our new “friend” to be though…Smoove yea great play on the word he is so very original lol.

I see the sick sense of humor and sick desperate laugh when NK suggested Paris Hilton…

Men want sex. period… iam not your nice guy, I know what I want and I go for it. you must be the one lucky to have me not the other way round.

Women:- you aint angels. you dint fall from the heaven..youre normal human beings, but worse than men..you manipulate, lie, cheat,you bitch,whine,complain,
same women that says men just want sex, also is putting on a make up from 5 PM to go out at 10 PM…If you dont want sex just go out the way you naturally look, and we will be turned off rightaway. if you choose to look the way you look then as men we fuck the way we wanna fuck.

all you girls here are not virgin mary..and given the right emotions you all will Cheat on your bf and husbands…dont act like you are all innocent.we know you are not…

NK: Raj likes you just for your skin color,period. He can settle with you because he cant find another girl..so dont go there enjoy your time with the loser…But in a way i feel sorry for Raj to put up with your dumbness. may be you guys on the same level who knows

if you be good then may be I will “reward” you with sex. if you act rude, then the doors right there..and how good are your backrubss,NK

NK: dont hate just because i can get more women than you can with men even if u walk naked down the streets. But again ill be grossed out looking at your fat ass naked that i may throw up on your face

Wow I am a commie… I just thought “see what freedom of speech allows…uneducated people should not be able to speak.”

Oh also SURPRISINGLY there is no book titled “How to be a guy that every woman wanna be with”…

Hey, Dale!
Wow. You are FULL of insight, aren’t you? Here are a couple of insights I gained from reading your posts:

1) There is no way in Hell you could write a book. I have serious doubts that English is even your first language. If it is, I worry about our educational system…it seems Bush has left at least one child behind…
2) You are a pretty lonely guy. Your protests to the contrary, if you are getting even a tenth of the ass you claim, I sort of doubt you’d be here writing barely coherent clichés to a bunch of “white man cast-offs” and “fat asses”
3) There is a lot of delusion out there about how to get girls. I suppose the “player” mentality can get you laid. So can being a man. I’ve dated strippers, cheerleaders, and hot girls of every race. I’ve also dated lawyers, teachers, and engineers. And through it all, I’ve never played bullshit games. Have fun being a jackass, though! It really seems to be working out for you!! I guess losers have to find SOME way to feel good about themselves…
4) You make me realize how much I hate some guys…I mean, I’m usually a pretty easygoing, live-and-let-live person, but your kind of ignorance is special. It makes me want to go back in time and convince your daddy he should have pulled out. But since I can’t do that, I’ll just ask you to stop insulting the women on this board, stop insulting Indian people, and shut the hell up. If you feel the need to attack someone, attack me. As you can see, I am fully capable of defending myself. Bring it on! =)

Hello Occasional Lurker! - With comments like that, don’t be so occasional anymore. And I do so appreciate a grammatically correct comment! Much clapping ensuing from my office now…

Dale,
You continue to confirm my opinion of you. What I can’t seem to figure out is why you feel this blog is an appropriate forum for your vitriol. (Go ahead, look the word up. I’ll wait.) There are no converts for your “cause” here. Search the “Why am I Secretly Attracted to my Frat Buddies?” websites, you may find more like-minded individuals. Get gone.

Damn booze!

Oh, and thanks for the encouragement, CBC! I’ll start ignoring Dale now. If we all do, perhaps he’ll leave =)

I have honestly avoided guys like him..or at least tried to my whole life. I have a good friend that likes to just have casual sex with women…random women for no reason. I know the real reason. He was in love with our mutual best friend and screwed it up. She never did love him like that, she told him that from the very get-go. She never played him, but he held out never-the-less until she got married..and then he still tried to convince me to convince her to leave her husband. He has committment issues because he has never resolved to move on with his life. We even dated once because he thought since my best friend and I were two peas in a pod, that it would be the same..but no matter how much we’re alike..there will always be great differences. I pity him now because I fear that someone that has slept with that many women is not only physically diseased, but emotionally diseased. The tough guy/player act is what it is..just an act because of a deep emotional hurt that he can’t overcome. It reminds me of this guy that keeps posting here.

The reason I finally looked outside the box, meaning outside of just dating American guys, was that I was looking for something different. I didn’t really realize at the time, that that was what I was looking for. CS treats me the way I have always wanted to be treated, like a lady. The consequences of being a tomboy, is that most of the guys I’ve been in contact with, have always simply seen me as another one of the guys. It didn’t matter how I actually looked or acted, I’ll always just be another one of the guys to them…a little sister to care and protect, but never look at romantically.

I live in a college town, and most of the guys here act like stupid frat-boys or players. CS reminds me more of my idealic guy. He has characteristics of chivalry..which I almost think is dead among American men. I never expected anything from the friendship CS and I developed, the romance just kind of happened one day. We’re not clingy to each other, and allow the others to have fun with friends. We have our problems, and I really do think he is TRYING to get past his committment issues. I feel that he and NK’s Raj may be kindred folks because they sound very much alike to be honest. Yes, it may be an easy out for him to say, I don’t want you to wait for me, I just want you to be happy, but from what I have seen and read of their culture, self-sacrifice seems to be a big part of it… i.e. their families living with them as their parents age, arranged marriages regardless of their feelings. I may be wrong about all of this, but this is how I see things through my eyes. And now I’m done..on to the other posts. :o)

OL–bravo! You said everything I would have liked to have said, but I was over here seething and trying not to vomit.
Ara–I agree totally about wanting something “outside the box”. I think I’d like dating American men more if I found more like OL and less like Dale–I’m sure Dale’s lurking now and I’ll just spare him the comments of I’m not his type–I know it and he knows it, but what he doesn’t seem to know is that none of the regulars on here are his type either–I guess misery really does like company. ;D

I have to say, I wasn’t looking outside the box. I wasn’t even looking. We were just friends for a while, and it happened that we both suddenly wanted to be more than friends. Looking didn’t have anything to do with it, and really neither did the inside or outside of any boxes.

Me too.

Good point kc…

Funny how things unfold and before you know it, we call it life!

LG,

Thanks for the links. I will start clicking here in just a bit.

I honestly don’t want to link past to present. I want to know that some where I was messed up and that now I have to fix it, that’s peachy, that’s life. I am afraid of the details.

ara,
looks like we both may be drifting in the same sea. Wanna share a boat? ;o)

Thanks ladies and gents, you all are awesome!

On a different issue, I just put up a post reguarding whether or not one should reproduce. I would love to have your opinions. I will warn you though, and this is for everyone, my blog is R rated.

**huggles**
D*S

I agree CA–but dually noted–only once or twice a day out of many hours, minutes, and seconds.

ok, just for giggles….it’s Frank TJ Mackey!!!

part I : (foul language alert)

http://youtube.com/watch?v=_n2IVF9a2IA

and part II :
http://youtube.com/watch?v=WCEYxs7kWmQ&feature=related

and Part III:

http://youtube.com/watch?v=4MtWvYwkfTA&feature=related

LMAO!!!

Dale is giving me gas.

That is all.

:op

Hehe, dorkieshe, you crack me up. I left you a comment on your blog. I got LG’s codependency link to work once I took the period off the htm at the end of the link. On the Codependency factor. I looked it up..I fit some of the categories and some of them I don’t. I did honestly used to fit all of them. I have noticed that I tend to be a bit on the know-it-all or bossy side at work, but I think it has to do with, that I actually know what I am doing vs some of my co-workers who don’t. I used to be a perfectionist..but I am not anymore, I accepted it a few years back after I had a near nervous breakdown. It is a bit hard to talk about it, but I did become a bit suicidal at that time in my life. I was very ill, over-stressed with school, work, and a roommate that kept self-medicating her bi-polar disorder with alcohol, and having a severe allergic reaction to a medication myself. It was back then that I would warn my brother about alcoholism in my family..but I really don’t say much about it now. He’s an adult, and he has to make choices for himself..I can worry as a sister, but I can’t live his life for him. I am also past the point of harmful relationships because I did go through a few of those, but as I forgave myself and others for problems in my childhood, I learned to watch for the warning signs..not to say I haven’t been duped by a few pretend to be nice guys that turned out to be players..I ditched them and didn’t look back. I still am a little unsure of myself in the dating scene a bit, but I figure so is everyone else to be honest. I am in no way saying I don’t still have some issues to work out..but I think based off of the website and links, that I may be recovering from it. I just thought I’d give y’all an update on that conversation..and yes, I did say y’all because it’s a great contraction :o)

OMG, CA….LOVE LOVE LOVE the Frank TJ Mackey. How did you like that movie?? I’m *slightly* surprised you’ve seen it..!?? Hhehe :). It’s soooo one of my favorites. Actually, the first time I hung out with R he said “Tom Cruise plays HIMSELF in that movie.” Very keen observation. Now I want to go watch that movie again.

I loved the scene when it rained frogs.

Aw, you know what Ara, your dating experiences seem pretty “normal” to me. And, this might be stretching based only on what I know of you here, but you don’t seem pathologically co-dependent. Actually over at my neck of the web I’ll be writing about several, SEVERAL situations where I got all hung up on guys but it wasn’t necessarily pathological. Nutty? Yes. But not psychotic :). It took me more than a few years to finally figure it out. And by that point ya just don’t care as much anymore (in a good way)! You are only in your early 20’s right? This is the prime time many of us go through the relationship learning curve. You’re right, this IS what dating is all about… just keep plugging through the problems and try not to be too hard on yourself

Did any of you guys see Singles? I saw that movie in my early to mid-20s and totally related. I loved Bridget Fonda’s character and how she has that long list of requirements for a boyfriend, but she’s obsessed with Matt Dillon, who’s an ass - and at the end she shortens her list to just one item “Must say bless you when I sneeze.” And then MD does in the elevator.

And the sex scene between Kyra Sedgwick and Campbell Scott and he’s picturing that basketball player. I laughed so hard wondering how many guys do that kind of thing.