CBC posted lists of great books for young kids. (If you want to add yours just list them in the comments on those posts.)

But all of this started because I am tired of reading crappy books to my kids, so we definitely need a list of “Children’s Books That Totally Suck”, so that we can avoid buying these or giving them as gifts to others (quelle horreur!). I will probably add to this with every trip to the library, but I’ll try to keep it to current books (like stuff published since 2000).

And really? I’m making this list because it’s a fun way to get rid of all my aggression toward these literary turds.

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1. Santa Kid by James Patterson- Can’t say enough bad things about this one. Here’s a tip: just because an author is famous for writing Adult Fiction doesn’t mean they can write for children. [The same goes for self-absorbed celebrities. See also: Children's books by Madonna.] Santa Kid is a terribly thin story that could be told in 3 pages – but it’s stretched out to book length with what I call “filler”. For example:

“Don’t shake your head–something might come loose in your brain….Anyway, here’s what happened.”

“pretty cool huh?”

“don’t giggle. This isn’t funny. Well, sometimes it is”

“all those who want to live at the north pole , holler I WANT TO LIVE AT THE NORTH POLE”

and so on. I swear Patterson wrote this book in 10 minutes, and never actually read it out loud to a living, breathing 5 year old child. That and the whole “Big Evil Corporation Takes Over North Pole” is a stupid storyline for this age group.

2. “The Trouble with Dogs…” said Dad by Bob Graham – another bad one that I wished I’d looked at before we brought it home from the library. Even the reviewer at Amazon said the ending didn’t make much sense. This family gets a dog that is out of control, and hires a dog trainer. The dog trainer isn’t gentle enough, so the family informs the man that they think “we should always be polite to our dogs”. The dog trainer agrees, and his change of heart is followed by the dog leaping onto his lap and scarfing the cupcake right off the guy’s plate. The end….Just. WRONG.

Plus, as a bonus, the illustrations of the family show them to be “contemporary” – which means the mother has a tattoo, a nose ring, and wears halter tops and belly shirts in each picture. Cleavage and belly rolls, hooray! The father has a five o’clock shadow and some earrings. Don’t get me wrong – I had a nose ring too… but this just looks like a painful attempt to be hip. I don’t dress like a slovenly groupie because my kids HAVE EYES. Sometimes it is hip to be square, mmmkay?

3. Hansel and Gretel by Rika Lesser – [Caldecott Honor book] I thought this one would be fine, because I’d forgotten how the story starts. I wish I’d looked at it before we checked it out and started reading it. These parents are going through hard times and there isn’t enough to eat – so the mother convinces the father to help her abandon their children in the forest. The kids find their way back the first couple of times, so the mother keeps trying to abandon them to die in the forest! Honestly I’d forgotten this part! By the time we got to the evil hag who fattens up the brother to cook him, my daughter was close to tears. Horrible story. Some things are just NOT appropriate for young children, even if they are “classics”. Let me tell you, I had a great time trying to explain why this mother was trying to kill her kids, and why the father was going along with it, and why the old witch was trying to eat them, too. Crap on a cracker!

4. Grandparents Song by Sheila Hamanaka – This book was shelved with all the other kiddie books – which made me think it was suitable for my 6 year old. (!) I saw the title and thought “aww. A nice poem about grandparents”. LOL This is what I meant by the boring/inappropriate “multicultural” stuff being served up for children. It sounds like this poem was written for adults, but the author was forcing it into the juvenile category. Here’s a sample of the lines:

“Grandma said she came from the sun, from the sun, that freedom was music and her heart was a drum”

“Grandfather’s people had crossed the great sea, Their bodies were chained but their souls fought free”

“My eyes are green like the sea, like the sea, my bones are the mountains and my hair is the trees”

I don’t even know where to begin. Great book for older kids studying poetry I guess. My 6 year old’s eyes just glazed over because she didn’t get it. We didn’t get very far into it before it was tossed.

Paging Dr. Suess, STAT.

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There’s another new trend in children’s fiction – Bedtime Stories As Therapy! YAY!

Here’s a few of the titles we pulled off the shelves:

Two Homes – all about divorce!
Goodbye Mousie – watch as the little boy mourns his dead mouse by arranging the body and dressing up its coffin!
Grandma Kathy Has Cancer- self explanatory!

We read another book about a boy with a dead mouse in a box that was much more disturbing, but I couldn’t find it. Also – we ran across a book about “Grandma’s dying of Alzheimer’s and can’t remember who I am”.

I tell ya – FUN TIMES AT THE LIBRARY, Y’ALL!!