Many moons ago on this blog, there was a big discussion about the movie the Namesake. Lots of differing opinions on whether the white girl in the film sucked, or the Indian boyfriend sucked harder – it was a toss-up. I think most of the people who thought the white girl sucked for being clueless about Indian culture have moved on from this blog. But for the rest of us, this is an interesting development…
One of our regular commenters (who has been much vilified), had quite a bad reaction to that movie at the time she saw it, since she was dealing with her Indian boyfriend’s family. They apparently behaved (and continue to behave) like an episode of Jerry Springer, so admittedly she had a dim view of them. But then this showed up in our mailbox:
“I had to email you because you are the only people who will understand this. So, tonight, the only thing on TV after I got home from the gym was The Namesake. I think I said before that I really hated this movie – it really offended me and it just made me angry and resentful. I was kind of scared of it stirring that up again, but Raj is travelling and I was too tired to do more work so I left it on.
Not seeing his parents for almost a year now must have really relieved a lot of my resentment towards Indian culture at large, because the movie’s main couple and their culture did not bother me at all. I thought they were really sweet and had nothing like the reaction I had before. Given there are negative aspects of the culture described on Bad Indian Girl and elsewhere that weren’t depicted in this movie, but overall it struck me how entirely different Ashoke/Ashima were from Raj’s parents – and why the heck did I see so much of them in the movie before? It made me think a woman in my department (a white, Jewish professor who lived in India for a few years) was possibly right when she said, “There are a**holes everywhere. These people just sound like a**holes.” I think maybe I just got a set of particularly damaged in-laws.
Anyway, I just had to tell you guys because I was shocked by what a different take I had on this movie tonight. “
Just maybe…when we are hurt and nursing some serious wounds, the only thing that heals it is time? 
So cheers for getting through a rough year, congratulations on your upcoming engagement party, and we wish you and Raj all the best because you two totally deserve it. And we better see some wedding pictures, too! (Lord I’m probably going to sob when I see them, how did I get so emotionally invested in someone else’s marriage? lol)
Maybe it’s the ending of my vacation, but I’m in total agreement, both with this post and the original review of Namesake (surprisingly, those were exactly my thoughts upon seeing it, as well!). But it certainly is easy to get emotionally vested in people whose lives you follow or connect with, either virtually or in-person. Gotta love the human ability to abstract relationships, cultures, etc. Plus, pictures of people you know in a virtual context are always interesting because it’s fun to see if they’re how you imagine them or completely different.
By: Macman on June 25, 2008
at 10:49 am
Thanks for the congrats, CA! I will send you pictures! You would love the invitation – maybe I’ll send you a picture of it, too.
I think the other thing that was wrapped up with this movie when I first saw it was that I was scared my SO was a Gogol and I was just his Maxine. I’m pretty sure that isn’t true now, so it didn’t hit those buttons, but keep me in your prayers and let’s hope my SO knows what he wants and who he is!! Gosh, that would be a disaster…
By: BerkeleyGradStudent on June 25, 2008
at 6:50 pm
“Just maybe…when we are hurt and nursing some serious wounds, the only thing that heals it is time?”
That and (at least for me) trying to work it out in my head, which has involved writing about it. It’s quite a bitter pill to swallow when someone doesn’t want you. But it’s even worse than that – they don’t just not want you, but launch an active campaign to get rid of you. And in my case, that campaign was supported by their own friends and family in their Indian community.
That’s a lot of pain and hurt to work through. And at least my in-laws don’t seem to be the purposefully hurtful/mean and dramatic type as BGS and some others’ seem to be. I wouldn’t want that layer added on.
Writing it out let me release and work through much of that pain and anger. And, for me, I needed to understand the WHY of it. I always felt BGS, you were trying to get to the “why” it happened to you (and I may be wrong and totally reading myself into that).
Our VBS lesson for today was on serving your neighbor and featured the good Samaritan story. One of the points was to show how every single person is valuable in God’s eyes, regardless of how he/she looks, thinks, where they are from – regardless of any differences. Those are only arbitrary qualifications humans place on each other.
I hope at least CA and I have been a good neighbor to you in helping you work some things out, or at least being a place to let some anger out. You should save what you’ve written and go back periodically to revisit. I think you’ll find the same thing happens with some of your thoughts as happened with The Namesake. I know mine did. I go back every once in a while and revise old posts because of it – maybe I should leave them because I did feel that way at the time I first wrote it. I think both versions are my truth, and I hope you find your truth changes as well to a happier and happier one for you as life goes on.
By: colorblindcupid on June 25, 2008
at 8:39 pm
“Those are only arbitrary qualifications humans place on each other. ”
That’s what I was getting at with the post on culture. Culture is given way too much weight. We’re not mindless drones, manufactured by our respective cultures and then spat out. We are all precious individuals.
That’s the real diverging point for so many of us.
Galations 3:28 – There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free man, there is neither male nor female; for you are all one in Christ Jesus.
By: chineseambassador on June 25, 2008
at 9:00 pm
Aw, I love that “good neighbor” story. That is so exactly what you guys have been. Saying thank you for that doesn’t even begin to describe how much I appreciate that.
And thanks for the thoughtful commentary, CBC. You are definitely right that I have been asking incessant “whys” because I want to understand what happened and how people could act that way.
I just kept asking… Why were they so hostile to me when I was so nice? It’s not like I like their culture any more than they like mine/their sons’…Why do they think they can treat me like this and still know their son (I’ll put an end to that!)?…How could they treat someone so badly anyway?…Why couldn’t they recognize before I was even there that their son wasn’t into their culture and never would be?…What good does enforcing conformity with their tradition do them when he clearly doesn’t want it?…Why do they claim to be religious but fail to recognize others’ humanity?…What kind of religion is that anyway?…Why don’t their friends and relatives recognize the hypocrisy?
It just went on and on, as I tried to figure out how much was them and how much was their culture, and if it was really just them being a**holes, why did our stories all have so much in common? Sure, it could be a fluke, but most likely we’ll never know beyond an educated guess (unless whoever those lovely, statistics-advocating commentators are want to design a randomized experiment assigning people to a culture and go collecting a representative sample, lol! And at that, they have to have some hypotheses to test in the first place, which comes from asking these whys and theorizing).
I agree 110% with CA’s bible quote, and I think my history of behavior in real life towards people supports that. No matter what I think of a certain group in general, I have a hard time doing anything that would make someone feel bad, even in real life – even when they deserve it! That is morality to me. There are certain absolutes about others’ freedom that you just have to respect. I think I got hostile when my freedom was so thoroughly disregarded that it was time to bite back and be more vocal about my objections.
I am like Ashima at the end of the movie…I just want to be free.
And I do think CA’s pivotal point about culture not defining people is brilliant. It’s the central assumption fueling most of the disagreement on this blog. I’m with someone who mainly rejected “his culture.” He would say “his culture” is American, or Californian. Of course he takes a lot of flak from relatives who tell him he’s “too white,” and that he should start acting more brown because he was born with that skin color. It’s a totally different notion of identity. Culture may affect certain orientations, but I will never buy that people are manufactured and defined by it. They have agency, they can think and choose. At least some of them can, and I’m glad my SO is one of them.
Thanks again, guys. Y’all are the best. xo
By: BerkeleyGradStudent on June 25, 2008
at 9:49 pm
The parents in The Namesake are stereotypical, but I guess the underlying current of there son moving away from them having been brought up in the west has been nicely portrayed. I liked Tabu’s role a lot the movie. If she had just showed a little more compassion towards her, but then again real life does not always turn out the way we want it to.
By: 6mile on June 27, 2008
at 7:47 am
One thing I have been thinking about…especially with respect to Hindu immigrant parents, and their children: they are such a minority in this country, their religion is being soaked up by secular/new-ageism or is being downright ridiculed by the mainstream… they are really and truly afraid that there will be no more Hindu-American culture to speak of in the coming generations, especially with outmarriage rates on the up. Of course, these all may just be irrational fears…but I think this may lend some empathy for their situation and maybe a talking point to ease their anxieties.
By: JR on June 27, 2008
at 5:53 pm
JR, I think you must live in a not so nice area to be Indian/Hindu, because you’ve gotten a complete opposite impression than I have. I don’t get that at all here (Midwest). The Indian population for my area is a minority, but it’s very large. There’s a huge temple, and particular areas where the Indian population is upwards of 30%. The subdivision next to mine is about 20-25% Indian, I would say (new houses, LOL). I’ve never heard anyone ridicule Hinduism here, nor do I hear anyone in the Hindu community discuss it at parties or just whenever people are visiting. I go to graduation and other parties and the kids have tons and tons of white/black/latino friends there and other teachers and parents, and they just seem honestly interested in the community (and the food!), or just interested in doing their own thing (they don’t care whether anyone’s Hindu or otherwise – they’re just there for their friend or whomever). I certainly don’t see the white people gathered in a corner pointing and whispering. I just don’t get that sense at all.
If it even comes up at all, people are very much, “You’re Hindu? Great for you!” and then they do their own thing. I don’t think they actually care enough to pass judgment one way or the other.
By: colorblindcupid on June 27, 2008
at 7:08 pm
I know I was like “wth?” on that comment too. I’m in Texas, literally 30-40% of my neighborhood is Indian, there’s a big temple here too, etc etc.
By: chineseambassador on June 27, 2008
at 8:44 pm
I understand their fears, but I feel like that is just the world we live in now – a diverse one, where not everyone understands us and our lifestyle, or even the things we cherish most dearly.
It is scary and uncomfortable sometimes, but I think that’s where the tolerance for ideas we don’t like and the ability to appreciate others’ humanity moreso than their religion or culture is important. If we’re able to learn to see people how they see themselves and appreciate that part of them, I think we all win. We all stay who we are but get along, too.
By: BerkeleyGradStudent on June 27, 2008
at 9:08 pm
I side with JR, most people here talk negatively. Do you worship cows ? Do you ride elephants. One guy even asked me if I lived with monkeys. I wonder if they are making fun or they are serious.
I meet so many people who want to teach me about Christianity. I was raised in a Portuguese town , I’ve gone ester egg hunting and carol singing. There is this girl I know and she was telling me about Christianity and she casually asked me about Hinduism. I proceeded to tell her about it, and how it had amalgamated a lot of good things over the ages. All she could say is, she felt sorry for me. Sorry for me for what ?
By: 6mile on June 27, 2008
at 11:25 pm
Holy crap! Where do you guys live? Saresh has NEVER had anyone ask him such things.
(sadly, they were probably serious – but I suppose that’s better than making fun, if you have to pick the lesser of 2 evils)
By: colorblindcupid on June 27, 2008
at 11:43 pm
I have no explanation for the stupid monkey/elephant comments – that’s kind of like asking a Texan if he rides a horse to work – but maybe the girl was evangelical? They believe in witnessing to people about Jesus, right? And I think by “feeling bad,” it probably means something like, “There is one true God, and you are missing out by not knowing Him.”
I’m not on the same page as evangelicals, but I think they try to be compassionate to people who they feel are on the wrong path rather than judging them. I can see how people don’t like being called wrong, but honestly “I feel bad for you” is better than the “you’re a white devil” type judgment I got for expressing disagreement with my SO’s family! Sorry to hear of 6mile’s experience, though. Definitely condescending and annoying.
By: BerkeleyGradStudent on June 29, 2008
at 12:34 am