When we were dating and had so much trouble with Saresh’s parents accepting our interracial relationship, I grew to hate the phrase, “It’s not personal.” Saresh would get into argument after argument with his parents, extolling my virtues and letting them know how much they were hurting my feelings. They would always say the same thing: “Why is she upset? It has nothing to do with her. It’s not personal.”

I was an interchangeable white person to them. They didn’t care what my virtues were, how much I loved their son, if I’d make a good mother, if I was nice. They never made the connection that I was a person. Not a white person, not a wrong choice – the person their son was going to marry.

I was so angry at them so much of that time, and I had nowhere to direct the anger. I couldn’t yell at them because they refused my existence; I couldn’t vent at their son because he loved them (which didn’t stop me many times though); I couldn’t vent to my parents because they would question my decision.

I never understood how they could say it wasn’t personal until after we were married. From the day of our marriage on, they considered me their daughter. They didn’t understand me, but I was part of the family now. They couldn’t understand why I didn’t want to spend time at the house, or why I had trouble bonding with MIL. I was like, “Seriously? I could not be more angry, and now I’ve got some serious baggage to work out, then we’ll talk.”

As much as I know they didn’t mean it to be, what they did was always personal to me. In a way, it still is. I felt they were saying that I personally was unacceptable as a spouse for their son, and they refused to even entertain a discussion on it. And they were in actuality saying just that, regardless of whether they’d say the same about any non-Indian person Saresh wanted to marry.

I’m over it… most of the time, but only because of the good relationship we have now. It still stings to think of it, but mostly, just hearing the phrase makes me cringe anymore.

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